How to Fix Communication in Relationships | Part 2

Hard talks don’t have to end in raised voices or silent retreats. WE walk through the small, repeatable moves that turn conflict into connection: 

• Swapping loaded questions for supportive openings, 
• Picking better moments for serious topics, and using tone as a tool instead of a weapon. 

If “What’s wrong with you?” has ever slammed a door in your home, you’ll hear how “You seem deep in thought, want to talk?” opens one instead.

WE get candid about triggers, past patterns, and why avoiding tough subjects only grows resentment. You’ll learn when to press pause, why environment matters more than you think, and how a simple “How can I help?” disarms defenses. 

WE also dig into intentional date nights with questions that actually deepen intimacy, not just rehash logistics about work and kids. Expect practical examples, from handling money talks without ambush to protecting your partner’s dignity in public. Along the way, WE unpack how love languages evolve and how to update care so it still lands.

At the heart of it all is a team mindset: protect the relationship first, then tackle the problem together. With a few phrase swaps, a smarter sense of timing, and a commitment to listen without fixing, you can build a safer space for honesty. 

If you’re ready to replace battlefields with bridges, hit play and try one strategy today. 

If this helped, subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave a review so more couples can find tools that work. WE would really appreciate it!

Chapters

• 0:00 Triggering Phrases And Better Alternatives
• 1:15 Welcome Back And Why Communication Matters
• 3:08 Intentionality: Time, Focus, And Practice
• 6:15 Defining “Difficult” And Avoiding Triggers
• 10:30 Team Mindset Over Fighting
• 12:05 Time, Place, And Tone Tactics
• 16:25 Respect In Public And Private
• 18:40 Swap Critique For Curiosity
• 20:45 Sports, Space, And The Pause Button
• 23:00 Questions That Deepen Connection
• 27:10 Love Languages And Changing Needs
• 30:20 Prepping For Deeper Date Night Talks
• 34:00 Two Questions That Improve Communication
• 37:30 Carrying Burdens And Calming Stress
• 40:20 Showing Up Well And Next Steps
• 43:30 Closing And Community Invitation

Transcript

SPEAKER_02: 0:00

Used to ask me all the time, you know, what's wrong with you? You know, or why you acting dry? And and those two statements were so triggering for me, because it was like, ain't nothing wrong with me. You know, I ain't acting dry.

SPEAKER_01: 0:12

And I'd be like, you are.

SPEAKER_02: 0:15

Right there. But you are. But just from a practical perspective, if you just flip that and you and you say something more like, you know, um, it seems like something is on your mind, or do you want to talk about it? And so she's been very good lately, as opposed to saying, I ain't lately, it's been for a while. I'm giving her credit, thank you, is that she doesn't ask me those two types, those two questions anymore. She'll say, you know, you seem to be deep in thought. Or is there something that you would like to talk about? How how can I support you? And I still may not want to talk about it, but saying what's wrong with you, nothing's wrong with me, but just by saying it that way could cause or did cause a defensive response or defensive posture. But to just just again, just to slightly consider and to come from a place of concern to say, I know you're quiet, and it's not that I'm acting dry, I'm deep in thought. So welcome to another episode of the winning team podcast. I am Eugene.

SPEAKER_00: 1:20

I am Latanya.

SPEAKER_02: 1:21

And we are the winning team. We're excited. This is part two of a series that we well of a podcast that we started. You know, we had some tough technical difficulties. I know some of you tried to watch it on on Facebook. We don't know what happened. Not on Facebook, but on YouTube. I don't know what happened. But either way, um we back. We are back, and many of you um have been commenting, have been coming up to us talking about this episode. This episode actually has been one of the fastest growing episodes, the most downloads on Buzz Sprout. So obviously, communication and how to fix communication is something that's very important, and so you know, we wanted to make sure that we spent some time getting out part two of this episode. So, what we did is we actually did research in YouTube and TikTok um and Google just to ask the questions like what are the people asking about communication and and uh how we can um help? And so, what we what we did is we researched and found that the top five questions that were real that were being asked, because these are real questions, people are having real struggles, and so we wanted to give some real strategies based on the questions that everyone was asking. And so we gave you two questions in the previous episode. Question number one was How can you stop misunderstanding each other? That was a good conversation. So go back and see episode before this one to see uh the you know how we did had a little brief conversation on that. It really wasn't brief, but it was a good conversation on that. And then question number two was What should I say when my partner goes passive aggressive? So that was another good conversation, and so go check it out.

SPEAKER_00: 3:09

But today, we're gonna jump right in. So to continue this conversation, as you said, it's been such a great conversation, and I think what I've loved the most is that as we are, as we were looking at these questions, we got to ask these questions even to ourselves, like how do we handle it? So it's not just us talking about this or giving our opinion, like we had to really do some introspective and do some some conversation with um with one another on how do we handle this? What does communication look like? And and how do we um continue to have communication evolve um and be intentional about communication? I think we mentioned that before that in order for you to get to a place of healthy conversation, you have to be intentional, you have to be honest and you have to be intentional about it.

SPEAKER_02: 4:00

Um would you define intentional?

SPEAKER_00: 4:03

So I think it's it's just made making time for one another. Um, and not necessarily that it has to be these when we're saying, Oh, it's time to communicate, let's have these deep major conversations, but I think it starts with just having a conversation, you know, spending time with one another, um having FaceTime. So looking in each other's eyes, you know, and not that you're doing all deep, but you're not now trying to have a conversation while also texting or while also on your phone. And so it's about letting the person know that you want to hear what they're saying, that you're listening to what they're saying, and that you really care about what's going on.

SPEAKER_02: 4:46

Oh yeah, one thing, excuse me, to being intentional is because communication is a skill. And a lot of times people will think, you know, that you can improve communication by osmosis or by thinking hard about it, and you can't. Communication, just like any other skill that you have, you have to work at it. Yeah, and so so many people will say to us, and we're actually working on cutting down the time of some of our episodes. Well, some people say, Man, I know y'all had, I saw that clip, it was a good clip, um, but I haven't had time to go in to watch the whole thing, but I know I need it. And so my my thought is that if you need something, then you should stop what you're doing to make the time. Being intentional is about making the time. So whether, you know, we we turn on it's and sometimes it's about changing your habits because we listen to music while we're driving in our cars, but maybe you don't listen to music. Maybe you turn on the podcast as you're driving to and from work. And if the podcast is, let's say 30 minutes or an hour, by the time you get to and from work two or three days, you've listened to the entire podcast. So intentionality is working on things that will improve your communication, and it's not working on things that will improve your spouse. Yeah, sometimes you have to become a better listener because it maybe it's not what they're saying or how they're saying it, it's how you're interpreting and internalizing it. So I appreciate what you're saying about being intentional because that's important.

SPEAKER_00: 6:11

Yeah. All right, so let's jump into the question. What would be question number three? Question number three How do we bring up difficult topics without fighting?

SPEAKER_02: 6:21

How do we bring up difficult topics without fighting?

SPEAKER_00: 6:26

Yeah, I think this one for us, so we are not what would probably be coined fighters. Um we've we've shared this. Um Eugene's not gonna argue. I said, I am a recovering arguer. I probably have an argue in my spirit, but you know, I'm learning uh to not. I called her the pop-off queen. Um, and she's she's repressed, you know, she's um reformed. I'm not gonna say repressed, she's reformed. She's reformed. And so, um, I but I think in um previous years when things got difficult, we got silent. Um, as opposed to and and I think some of that was, you know, me saying, Well, I know he's not gonna talk about it, or he's not gonna argue about it, or I don't know what's gonna happen if we have this hard conversation. Um, will he get angry? Will you be mad? Um, and so some of it I think I was projecting um on um on you. And so as opposed to handling it or having opening our mouths and using our words, we just went silent and just prayed that it would go away. Um, or either did some passive aggressive um behavior, some passive behavior, even to say, okay, I'm no longer mad anymore, and let's now we made up, and so it's all better now, but we never really talked about whatever the issue was.

SPEAKER_02: 7:58

I agree. And I think I think when you to ask the question, how do we bring up difficult topics without fighting? I think you have to ask the question is how do you define difficult? Because sometimes, like what you deem as a difficult conversation, I may not deem as a difficult conversation, and then vice versa. And and and I'm we're not ones where we walk around on eggshells because the reality is that I don't know what if there were previous and past triggers that you had in the beginning of the relationship, I may not, I may just be saying, you know, uh, well, I'll give it well, I could just be saying something that I think is just standard day-to-day. And when I do that, it could trigger you, which makes the conversation difficult. And so I think that before you get into that, I think it's, and especially if you're not married yet and premarital, we did what I appreciated about us in our early days, even before we got married, we asked a lot of what if questions. What about this? What if this happened? What if this? And it was all hypothetical. So because they were hypothetical questions and hypothetical situations, um, we were able to have some pretty candid conversations about someone else. And I think we mentioned this in the past, like even going to the movies or um we would, you know, even recently watching the Black Love series, you know, and listening to other couples as they go through um, you know, relational concerns or issues or happy moments, you know, it gives us an opportunity to talk about that. Because I think what happens in a relationship is that we did, we had a tendency in the beginning to just accommodate one another and we we tolerated andor overlooked, and then even denied that some things were actually difficult. So if you don't define it, then what that could lead to though is eventually if you keep on overlooking it, you can eventually blow up. And I thank God that we've never really had any blow-up moments, but I think that we have had moments where it was like, okay, she's frustrated about this. What is it that's making her frustrated about it? And then the same thing for me is like, wait, I'm frustrated, so you know, let's figure it out. And it's something as simple as chores around the house, you know, setting proper expectations about who's supposed to do what. In the beginning, you may overlook and accommodate and and may do all of the things because you think it's you know cute, and that's just a part of your role. But that's as seasons change and you get a new job and you were in college, you were, you know, I was tired of you cooking the same thing, you know, over and over. Chicken voila. That was what it was, you know. And so eventually I had to say, don't, don't, don't cook that no more, or we we just gonna figure it out, go out to eat. So, so again, and then there, and then if you if you even get from the point of accommodating, then it becomes something that's it could even be a little more, I don't want to say sinister, but manipulation can come into it because you're just trying to eliminate it altogether and not trying to deal with it. And you know, when you're trying to do that, that that could make it difficult. But the fundamental question that I think everybody has to ask before it's an issue is define what difficult, difficult is uh for you. And if you find yourself being triggered, and again, I know I've said this before, but there's many times she may say something or do something, and I pause, I reflect on me first. I will ask myself, why did that make me mad? And I know some of y'all say, Oh, that sounds, you know, that sounds lame, that sounds this, but yeah, but you keep getting in these cycles of fighting with your spouse because it says, How do you bring up difficult, difficult topics without fighting? Well, if you want to do it without fighting, then sometimes you have to work on your emotional intelligence and figure out why did something trigger you, why did it make you mad to begin with, because otherwise you'll do what she said, project, or or you will be angry and you'll sin. You're supposed to be angry and sin not. So, so that's what I would say is define what difficult is. But some more practical ways you can do it.

SPEAKER_00: 12:06

Yeah, so one other thing I want to say before we move on to the practical ways is um I don't understand why it has to be a fight. Like difficult conversations don't have to lead to a fight. Um, but I so when I saw that question, I was like, why is it a fight? You know, why isn't it just like, yes, this is a hard conversation? Like, how do you acknowledge that it's a hard, this is going to be a hard conversation, but I'm not having this conversation from a place of wanting to hurt you. I'm having this conversation because it's necessary for our marriage, for the relationship. And we we we're we're talking about this in context of relationships, but really this is communication, you know. Um, and so you you gotta ask yourself, why does it have to be a fight? What is what's being said, why does it lead to a fight?

SPEAKER_02: 13:01

You actually make a good point because again, we are the winning team. We are on a team, we are partnership, we are in a partnership. And so, especially from the context of marriage, if you saw in any other context, whether you're at work, if you're fighting with someone at work, you know that it's not right. If you're on a sports team and you're and you're fighting with your teammate, you know that it's not right. So the the the ultimate penultimate team is a marriage, and so you it should never get to the point of fighting. And if it does, you know that that should be viewed as dysfunction. Somebody's trying to get their way, and you have to really ask yourself, you know, how can we resolve the conflict so that we can work together as teammates so that we can do what we're supposed to be doing.

SPEAKER_00: 13:51

Yeah, that's a good point. So let's give you some practical, some practical answers on on how to do this. So choose the right time, right place, and tone. Um, I would often share, um, sometimes we we would have some difficult conversations, usually somewhere around money. Um, Eugene would want to have a conversation as I'm walking out the door. Like I'm getting a kid and myself out the door, and he'll say, Oh, by the way, don't swipe the card, don't do this, don't do that. Hey, bruh, why? You know, now I can't have this this conversation as I'm walking out the door. And I have to say, can we have this conversation at a different time? Um, it wasn't always, you know, the tone, but it was always like, This is this is a hard conversation that now I'm frustrated because we're having this as I'm walking out the door without any explanation. So, um, so choosing the right time, choosing the right place. You might have to leave if you you can't have that conversation in your home. You might have to find a neutral ground, um, especially if tensions potentially could get high. You may have to find a place where you all know that you're gonna have a reasonable conversation, emotions will be controlled, and you don't have to um you you won't get angry, I would say. And then the tone. Um, uh again, as a recovering pop-off queen, um, how you say something uh is either going to fall on deaf ears or I'm gonna receive it in my heart, and so you have to really be careful of how you say this. And ladies, I know sometimes that's us, you know, because we by the time we didn't say something, our whole body is now moving and shaking, and we now, and so now you not you didn't hear hear anything because now your beh your motions, emotions are um are uh aggressive, and that aggressive maybe not the best word, but now assertive, assertive, your tone has changed, you know, because the minute we get to moving our hands, our voice, you know, escalates, we now had a full-body um experience, and so now what's gonna happen is that the person you're talking to, your spouse is now gonna react to all the the or potentially react to all of those things, which now makes this difficult conversation now a fight.

SPEAKER_02: 16:15

And you have to know your spouse. So, what I appreciate about Lataiya is that um it's never been a time when you think about you know the right time and place, like if it's a difficult or a hard conversation, she's not gonna bring that up in front of people or around people or say something that will make me feel disrespected. Because if I feel disrespected, it may cause me to lash out. And I'm saying just from a man's perspective, is that you know, we want to feel valued and respected, and I know that women want to feel loved, and there's many that want to feel respected as well. So both of us have to be careful about what you say, even when it's joking. Like sometimes I am a jokester, like, and and so sometimes I, you know, I have a sense of humor. Some of y'all probably haven't seen it, but I I realized a few times that I made jokes at her expense in the middle of the crowd, and then everybody didn't receive it the same way that she knew I was joking, but everybody else may not have received it that way. So now it can create tension in the air, and so I know we're good, but at the same time, it's like I I still, even though she knows I'm good, I don't want to make someone else look at her differently or me differently because I made a joke that may seem insensitive to somebody else when you know it could be an inside joke for us. So so I think you have to also be careful with with who you're in front of because some some people may be okay with you joking, and you know, because it may be some people and friends that you have an intimate relationship with, but other times around their parents or around um their boss or around other people, sometimes you just have to know that some things that was perfectly fine around our friends is not okay in a work environment. So I think that again, how do you bring up hard topics um without it turning into a fight? It really depends on the situation, but it's good to have those conversations prior to and understand that context and environment absolutely does matter. And it was one other thing that you were talking about in regards to feelings and and the pop-off queen. And it was, you know, something as simple as, and I'm so glad that we kind of changed this because you used to ask me all the time, you know, what's wrong with you? You know, or why you acting dry? And and those two statements were so triggering for me, because it was like, ain't nothing wrong with me, you know, I ain't acting dry. And I'd be like, you are right there, but you are, but just from a practical perspective, if you just flip that and you and you say something more like, you know, um, it seems like something is on your mind, or do you want to talk about it? And so she's been very good lately, as opposed to saying, I even lately, it's been for a while. I'm giving her credit. Thank you. Is that she doesn't ask me those two type those two questions anymore. She'll say, you know, you seem to be deep in thought, or is there something that you would like to talk about? How how can I support you? And I still may not want to talk about it, but saying what's wrong with you, nothing's wrong with me. But just by saying it that way could cause or did cause a defensive response or defensive posture, but to just just again, just to slightly consider and to come from a place of concern to say, I know you're quiet, and it's not that I'm acting dry, I'm deep in thought. So it's like, hey, is there something that I can support you with? Is there something that you would like to talk about? And then all of a sudden, I may say, no, or then I'll say, Well, actually, you know, or you know, hey, what are you thinking about? And then it's like, you know, what's on your mind? And so now all of a sudden, it opens the door for conversation and opens the door for me to share as opposed to because I feel supported, I feel like it's creating a safe space where I may be able to share. And then please, guys, please, that if you do open the door, don't be dismissive of whatever it is, because it's obviously something that they are dealing with, no matter how much you may think it's not a big deal. And that's what I had to work on because I was a fixer. So if she's saying something that I thought, like, oh no, that ain't nothing. You could just do this. Well, it's it was something to her, so it's something that she was working through, but I would minimize it by saying, and I didn't think I was minimizing it, but my actions or my words would be, oh, it just just do this, and it felt dismissive. And if it was something that was deep to her, then now I just dismissed it, and now she feels some kind of way about it.

SPEAKER_00: 21:05

I want to add one more thing about time and place as well. Um, so ladies, uh, it's it's football season. Um, so um sports period. Sports period. But in this house, it's football season. And that's how it is. You have a little more flexibility in basketball.

SPEAKER_03: 21:27

It's football season.

SPEAKER_00: 21:28

Football season, um, as he's repping the lions there. So football season. So, you know, I feel like sometimes this time of year can can be triggering, can spark some, you know, sports is more important than me. Um, and so there's some balance there. There's some balance that you you have to choose. And so you know if that's his his time, his place, um, that for 25,000 hours, um, what feels like 25,000 hours, um at least four of four hours out the day, they're gonna be right there in front of the TV. That might not be the the good time. That's probably not the time to decide that you want to have this very deep conversation and expect to have um his undivided attention. And so I've again I've I've learned that. Like, okay, nope, if I need to bring this up, I may not even bring it up on Sunday. I might come come back on Monday um before Monday night football, just saying, um, in order to be able to have the conversation that I feel like that's needed. So that time, that place um is really important.

SPEAKER_02: 22:36

It is, but fellas, I've also learned something that's very important that I want you to learn. It's called the pause and the record game.

SPEAKER_01: 22:44

That's what it is.

SPEAKER_02: 22:45

So I have learned to record games and to pause games, and I might spend the whole day at Ross and Marshall's and all of the things, and then when I get back, I can just watch without interruption and even without commercials. That's how you talk about it. I'm happy.

SPEAKER_00: 23:04

That's the secret.

SPEAKER_02: 23:05

That is the secret. The secret is I can give her my undivided attention while staying away. I even go into the apps and make sure because there's a setting inside of all of the sports apps that will hide the scores of your of your favorite team so you can enjoy time with your you know beautiful wife and not worry about the game. And then when you get home, she's like, Full, you're and now you can sit in front of the game and watch it all. Amen. But a gentle answer turns away wrath. That's what I think. That's that's what the Bible says, and so you gotta understand and learn how to bring up something because the way that you bring it up can either build a bridge or it can build a battlefield. And a lot of times we keep building battlefields and wondering why it's a fight, but it really should be an invitation to a conversation so that you all can can get to know one another a little bit more.

SPEAKER_01: 24:00

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02: 24:01

All right, cool. We want to go to question number four.

SPEAKER_00: 24:04

All right, so question number four What questions can deepen your relationship?

SPEAKER_02: 24:13

That's important. That is, and so and here's the thing, y'all. I know this some of y'all may think this sounds corny, um, but intentional check-ins are important. And so, you know, we we do date nights all the time. And so I know I've shared this secret on on many on other podcasts, but I'm intentional about planning conversations. So if if I have to, you know, research questions and and really dig deep and think about some of the things because uh if you don't think about and become intentional about talking about what you want to talk about or researching what you want to talk about, you end up talking about the same things. You end up talking about the kids when you're there to to really connect and talk about yourselves. So, so you yeah, exactly, work or kids. And so there are times where we we may get out the one last thing while we're driving, and then we like, all right, no more questions about work. You know, the kid always comes up, the kids always come up, but but it but it comes up in a different way, not necessarily thinking about the logistics of the day, but it could be thinking about what is and what ifs and and how do we dream and move forward or how do we handle a situation. Um, but some of the questions that you all can think about is how can I support you better? And that's a question that I I ask her often.

SPEAKER_00: 25:40

You do that.

SPEAKER_02: 25:40

And it and it used to frustrate me to death though, because she wouldn't have an answer because she would always say, Oh, you do a good job.

SPEAKER_00: 25:47

Yeah. And because I believe that you are intentional about my needs. I think you are intentional, you're tuned in to me, and so I don't ever feel like you're you're not, or the times that you are, I'm like, hey, can you, you know, can you put your phone down, or can you so I don't feel like there is um anything else that you can do. I'm sure there's always things, but I I appreciate that conversation or you asking that question on a regular basis because there are times like, oh, and let me think about it, you know, or no, I've I feel good right now, you know. I don't feel like there's anything else. So I'm not feeling like I'm missing something because I feel like that you are intentional um on a regular basis.

SPEAKER_02: 26:37

But there's a flip side to that, and I had to really think about that because again, I said it used to frustrate me. But here's the compliment that she gave me unintentionally. She said, who you are serves me well. But that also means that in a relationship, you have to ask yourself, is being who you are serving your spouse well? And if it's not, then you have to be intentional about how you serve your spouse. Now, it's not a bad thing if it's not, because I believe that you know, sometimes we forget that men and women are different. We're made different, and we are different. God made us different differently, so therefore, you must be intentional if if you answer no to the question that is who you are naturally, does it serve your wife? And and if in your mind you like, I don't want to change who I am, you know. I'm not saying you have to change who you are, but I am saying that you are called to serve each other. You are called to submit to one to another. But if if naturally who you are is not doing that, then now you have to be intentional to figure out how do you do that. So is being who you are, does that naturally serve your spouse? And and if it doesn't, then you have to think about and ask the question, even you know, what makes you feel appreciated? Now, when when she tells you or when he tells you, um, because I just told her like all my our entire 23 years of marriage, um, physical touch is my love language. But what I'm finding is in like in this last several months or this last year, words of affirmation has become more important to me. So I explained that to her the other day. I said, you know what? I think words of affirmation is becoming more important to me than I than I previously took credit for because, but that was also because of where I was, because I would reject words of affirmation or deflect, I would say, words of affirmation, but now I've learned I'm learning how to receive that. And so um, so now that's what I expect. But I shared that with her because if I didn't share those expectations, then I couldn't hold her accountable to doing it or not doing it. So, what questions can really deepen your relationship? You know, before you go on date nights, now, of course, it's not treated like an interview, but but you really should start thinking about what do I expect? What is God calling us to do? How are we supposed to function and do that together? Are we working uh well as a team? Um, do you know what your love languages are? Is there anything that um you haven't talked about that's really on your heart that you that you constantly think about every single day, but you're afraid to bring it up because those are the things that you should be figuring out a way to bring those up and understand that everybody is a slow pro is not the same, they don't process the same. So sometimes when you're thinking about the time and the place, sometimes you may have to ask the question before you get to date night or say, Hey, here's my questions. You think about that, I'll think about it, and then we'll talk about it once we get to date night because you know, sometimes you know. Popping those deep questions up on a person at the spur of the moment, they may not give you the answer that you're looking for, and now you'll be disappointed as well.

SPEAKER_00: 30:08

Especially if if that's not something that's on a that you do on a regular basis in your relationship. If you have a lot of surface conversation when it now comes time to have a deeper conversation, then it can feel like, well, why are you asking this question? Why are you being dramatic? And so now at least back to our top question around it now becomes a fight, you know. And so if you see this as um, I think you make a good point around if you this is where you need to know your spouse, if you need to kind of prep um for some of that, uh, and and be able to have some of that conversation beforehand, um, or share that information beforehand, but also now receive it. Like, well, where what's the place that you're coming from? Why and see it as I want to build our relationship. This is not to hurt us, it's now to help us, to grow us, as opposed to now seeing this as something that you just trying to be dramatic, or why you asking all these hard questions, we just need to go eat, you know. No, let's let's have some real conversation, let's change up what we're what we're talking about so that we can now even do a check-in around are we growing? You know, are we um much like what you just said, that your love language has changed. If we hadn't had that conversation, that's not something that I would have necessarily known. So um it's okay to have a deeper conversation because I think that's also where you can continue to grow and really just do a check-in to see where your spouse is.

SPEAKER_02: 31:40

Yeah, and it's a level of vulnerability, and people desire that. And so asking the deeper questions, going beyond the clicheic, how was your day, um, and the logistics, and only talking about the logistics of the day and only talking about head head things as opposed to really starting to get vulnerable to say how you feel about it. If you don't ever get uh vulnerable, then a person, one one or the other, the male, uh the man or the woman will feel like it's a surface conversation and they won't feel fulfilled, they won't feel love because they're not getting the vulnerability. Now, if you want, I'll share the questions, the date night questions that I that I came up with. I I don't mind sharing them. If you would like the date night questions, just put date night um questions in the comments and I'll DM them to you um, you know, later. So just put date night questions in the comments and I'll send you all the questions that we have. So, you know, Hebrews 3 and 13 say that we're supposed to encourage each other daily, daily. So we're we should be using our words to build one another up. So we should constantly be trying to think about questions that can deepen our relationship.

SPEAKER_00: 32:51

All right, so let's go to um our our next question. So let me let me just say this that these questions, you know, have really been a game changer for um for us. Um and again, I think as I mentioned earlier, we're not just having these conversations or bringing them up. They have been pretty um instrumental in even guiding how we talk about and how we guide even our conversations in even going into the weeks, even um with with one another. So it's we we out here doing the work too, y'all. We we doing the work.

SPEAKER_02: 33:26

That's a good point because it's not just about it's not just about talking about it. Like we're we're sharing what we actually do.

SPEAKER_04: 33:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 33:35

And you know, when we say, oh, we don't fight, and some people be like, oh, y'all cheesy, y'all ain't never really been through. Yeah, we've been through a lot. It's just because we're talking to you about year 23. Yeah, but we ain't talking to you about what happened year one, two, three, four, well, let's go back before that, you know, negative, you know, negative two years or whatever the case. So before we got married, but but I'm saying that, you know, we have grown to this point, and so now we're just trying to share um all of our testimonies. And the reason why we don't also tell you exactly what we did and exactly how, because what worked for us may not work for you. So we're telling you principles and giving you some things to think about so that you can then take your circumstances and take all of you know your circumstances and apply what we're saying to that.

SPEAKER_00: 34:21

So let me add one more um Bible verse that I think is just key to this conversation, too, is just Philippians 2 and 4. Let each of you look not only to his own interest, but also to the interests of others. So again, it's back to what we were talking about earlier around um you being intentional about one another and checking in with one another. And I remember in marriage counseling that um Pastor Jennings, shout out to Pastor Jennings, um, where he um said, if you are concerned about, if I am concerned about you and you are concerned about me, all of our needs should always be met. And so I think that's just really in line with um with you know getting out of your own way. It's not you can't only be all about you in a marriage. It just it won't work. You'll stay in this space of communication will always be an issue if it's always only about you. And so I think this was just a good reminder of um, you know, what what the words say, um and reminding that life principles to apply that to yourself.

SPEAKER_02: 35:24

And and just thinking about that, again, these are questions that can allow you to go deeper in your relationship. So if you're not looking to your own interests, you can ask a question just how can I love you better this week? And again, it's a day-by-day, week by week um walk that you're doing. And if you don't, if you're not having these conversations and you think about it from a love tank, if I'm not filling up her love tank and she's not filling up my love tank, then it never overflows, not only to what you one another, but to even everybody else that you're encountering. And so if you you don't want to wait until you've drifted so far apart that it'll take so much for you all to reconnect. So that's the reason why we we make sure that we're doing some type of date night, some type of connection, and we don't wait until the weekend. A date night can be a Tuesday. We go to concerts on Wednesdays or Thursdays, whatever it is, like you just find the time and make the time, not find the time, you make the time in order to make stay connected.

SPEAKER_00: 36:27

All right, last question. Yes. So, what are two questions that immediately improve your communication? So, we kind of talked about that one a little bit earlier, but you want to give the practical answers around that?

SPEAKER_02: 36:40

So, you know, um when you're thinking about improving communication, it's really about again, not being selfish, it's really thinking about you know where the other person is and asking a question that's not laced in how it can serve you. So, one of the questions is how can I help? Like it's such a simple question, but when she's coming home and she's talking about whatever it is, and sometimes, you know, again, she said that sometimes I'm in my head, but sometimes I can tell when she may be in hers. And so I can just say something like, Hey, I noticed that you know you've been quiet today. You know, do you want to talk about it? Because what that does is it makes her feel seen, it makes her feel valued, and it makes and and that opens the door and lowers the guard as opposed to saying something like, What's wrong with you? That's putting up the defense that I ain't talked to you all day, and now you coming in here and you ain't even said nothing to me. It's like immediately I don't want to talk to you no more. So I don't want to talk to you because you've given no regard to how I may be feeling, and so you know, how can I help? Can be a question that you ask on the flip side, but tell me about your day. And then when you say, tell me about your day, you genuinely sit there and listen to them tell you, and they may run through every single detail. Yeah, first I got out of the car and I had a lot of bags in my hand, and so I had to put all these bags down and I dropped stuff because that's how women process, and so they're sometimes, yeah. And so then, yeah, that's exactly how you sound, but but again, I'm listening to her because I'm just engaged in, especially if it was a good day, it's like, oh, let me tell you about my day. And so women can get on the phone and just connect and talk back and forth that way. And I'm not generalizing saying all women are like that, but again, as men, we're naturally fixers, so it's like, oh my god, I'm so hungry. Let me just think about this, and you just start going through the day thinking about it. It's like they appreciate thinking through, like, hmm, what would I cook, or what would I go eat, or what could we do? And it's like, oh, you know, and then you have conversations about it. But for us, it's just like, look, let's just do this, this, this, and I'm done. But sometimes, fellas, you just have to sit there and enjoy spending the time and being engaged. And then if it is something that you feel like, oh, I can fix that just like that, instead of fixing it, you could just say, How can I help? Most of the time, they're gonna say, No, I'm good. They just needed to express it because they speak through emotions, and so they just need to express it, and now they feel better, and then they know exactly what they need to do. Because most of the time, if I say, How can I help? She'll come right back and tell me what she's gonna do or what she has already done, but she needed to get it out because there's no one else. You you've created, and if you have, you created a safe space for her to share the emotions, so just allow her to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_00: 39:37

Yeah, you do a really good job with that. So I commend you on that, husband.

SPEAKER_02: 39:42

And and we're and here's the other reason why is that a lot of times, you know, uh Galatians 6 and 2 says that we're supposed to carry one another's burdens. And if we're supposed to carry the burdens of the other people, then what about the people that are within our household means? We're supposed to be priest providers and protectors, but we're not just providers of the financial things, we're providers of love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control as well. So those are also seeds that we should be plant, excuse me, that we should be planting in uh the people within our household.

SPEAKER_00: 40:16

I just recently saw a I think it was an IG post of a um husband and wife, and he was sharing that the wife had it was some stressful conversation, some stressful things going on. He kind of was showing the wife walking back and forth, and um he just stopped and hugged her and said, How can I help? And then drew her in closer and then just told her to breathe and count it down for her, um, and just how that settled her down. And so it was something about watching that that I feel like Ephesians 4 and 32 really honed in on this for me, um, that be kind and compassionate to one another. He saw what was going on, he stopped and even had her just stop and take a moment and breathe. And so I think when you um when you're able to do that, or you're asking that question around, can I help? Or I noticed um again, that's your you've made me see feel seen. You want to hear what's going on, and again, it goes back to what I was talking about around that intentionality around connecting and um caring about one another.

SPEAKER_02: 41:25

So, so just wrapping up, communication is not just about what you say, it's really about how you show up in the conversation. And we've talked about you know the five ways or ways to fix and communication in a previous episode we talked about why is communication so hard. So, two episodes I think ago, you have to go check that out. But you have to ask and figure out how do you show up in the conversation? And so, if both of you are being intentional and trying to figure out how do I show up well and how do I show up in a way that does not cause a fight, but it actually builds the bridge to the next moment for us to connect, you you will find that um you're actually building an environment where peace abounds as opposed to fighting. So, so please just try to uh make sure that regardless, regardless of what they have done, you have the responsibility because you can only control you. And so I know we only touched the surface, but again, if you all have some additional topics andor other questions in regards to communications or anything that we that we've kind of mentioned and and brushed over or talked talked about today, and you feel like we brushed over there and want to go us to go deeper, put it in the comments and we'll be sure to respond.

SPEAKER_00: 42:44

Yeah, and we it's our hope that we are dropping seeds, this is building unity with one another and just planting some humility because a lot of communication is, as you mentioned earlier, about vulnerability, it's about humility, it's about bringing your whole self to the table. And so uh these questions we hope spark some conversation, we hope had you thinking about some things and even having different conversations with your spouse. And again, that these can even um carry over into your workspace, how you can how you talk with your children because you communicate every single day. Yeah, every single day. It is something, it is a skill that you are constantly building every single day. So, why not work on it well and um so that you can have some better and healthy communication?

SPEAKER_02: 43:34

Amen. So we appreciate y'all. Please like, share, follow. Um, please share, send it to you know, make sure you're uh talking to other couples, other people that you believe could benefit uh from this podcast, and we appreciate all of your support. And until next time, we out, we output