Why Is Communication So Hard In Marriage?

Beyond Words: Healing the Heart Can Improve How We Speak

Marriage communication often feels like speaking different languages, with men and women processing emotion, stress, and decisions differently due to varying perspectives and past experiences. Creating safe spaces for vulnerability is essential for deep connection, requiring active listening without judgment or immediate attempts to fix problems.

• Communication is about connecting, not just talking – 7% of communication is words while 93% is tone and body language
• Truly listening involves full engagement, eye contact, and asking clarifying questions to ensure understanding
• Past trauma alters how we perceive communication, causing us to detect threats even in safe situations
• Pride blocks partnership by making being right more important than being understood
• Creating safe spaces means listening without fixing, not bringing up past issues, and remaining calm during conflict
• Unresolved heart issues inevitably emerge through our words since "the mouth speaks what the heart is full of"
• Communication evolves through different seasons of marriage, requiring continuous adaptation
• Healthy communication builds intimacy, improves conflict resolution, strengthens partnership, and promotes growth
• For pre-marriage couples: discuss conflict resolution styles, shared values, practice vulnerability, seek mentors
• Electronic communication lacks tone and body language, creating more opportunity for misinterpretation

Share this podcast with others who might benefit, subscribe to continue learning with us, and let us know in the comments what communication topics you'd like us to address in future episodes.

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Communication Feels Like Different Languages
• 7:24 Talking vs. True Communication
• 13:38 Body Language and Electronic Communication
• 19:56 Creating Safe Spaces in Marriage
• 32:07 When Trauma Affects How We Communicate
• 42:15 The Heart's Role in Communication
• 54:05 Building Partnership Through Healthy Communication
• 1:04:49 Pre-Marriage Communication Considerations
• 1:12:54 Closing Thoughts and Call to Action

Transcript

Eugene: 0:00

So I mean the question, of course, that we've asked to start this episode is why is communication so hard in marriage? And so you know we're speaking, but we're not understanding. It's like like you're talking two different languages. And even I was thinking about this the other day as I was praying and preparing for this episode. I was like we even have more patience when we approach. If someone approached you and they spoke a different language, what do you do? Like think about the effort.

Eugene: 0:28

I remember us being in the airport and it was a young man who was just trying to figure out, you know, to explain. He didn't speak English, but he was just trying to understand, and everybody was putting all of this effort into how do you write it, how I, you know, do sign language, how? But everybody was a hundred percent locked in on what do we do in order to make sure that we can understand what he's saying? And then also, uh, make sure he can understand what we are saying so that we can do what was needed to be done. And I was fine, like micah, go listen to what he's saying and then tell him. And Micah listened to him and then talk back to him. But my whole point is is that somebody came up to you who spoke a different language. Think about the amount of effort that you would put in in order to make sure that you understand them. You wouldn't be on your phone. I mean, some people would, that would be rude. But I'm saying, think about the level of in the amount of engagement. We got to do the same thing with our spouses.

Eugene: 1:27

Sometimes, when they're trying, when I'm trying to communicate, you're trying to communicate. In my mind it's like wait, I want to make sure I'm understanding. So I'm going to watch body language, I'm going to listen intently, intently. And so it's like men and women process emotion, stress and decisions differently. And that's, you know. Thinking about the love languages, we receive love differently, and so we have to make sure that we don't misinterpret, because it's very common, but because I'm fine could merely mean pursue me. And of course, when I say you man, that's what happens.

Eugene: 1:58

But a quote that I love it says people who can't communicate think everything is an argument and people who lack accountability think everything is an attack. I don't know who said that quote, but it's phenomenal quote, and what I know is I'm sorry. What I know is is that pride actually blocks partnership. And so when we allow pride to come in the middle, when we're trying to be right as opposed to be understood, it just becomes, you know, very difficult for us to be on one accord, and it's hard to say when you, when pride gets in the way, it's hard to say that I was wrong. It's hard to say help me understand you because you're so concerned with being right, and especially in Christian marriages, pride often, you know, wears this mask of self-righteousness and it turns into competition as opposed to collaboration and cooperation. Let's go let's go.

LaTanya: 3:12

Let's go. I'm excited. I'm excited about this episode. Um, this episode has been one of those things where, um, it's the the pressing question for people married, not married folks who want to be married and always a topic of conversation when we're talking to couples around how do we communicate?

Eugene: 3:37

Yes.

LaTanya: 3:38

I was going to break out singing the song, but I don't know if you want me to.

Eugene: 3:42

We don't need the song. Okay, you don't need my song, I was ready.

LaTanya: 3:45

I was ready for that. So communication is so important in marriage and this season of the Winning Team we have decided to really talk to those who have a desire to be married or newly married. But also the topics that we're talking about can really cross all phases of marriage. But really it's the question of so you want to get married and why.

Eugene: 4:13

Yeah.

LaTanya: 4:13

Why, why, and so there's so many components to that, and communication is such a big part of marriage, is such a big part of marriage, and so, when you're asking, why do you want to be married, how to communicate is a big part of that, and so we want to dive deep into this conversation of the arts of communication.

Eugene: 4:41

Yeah, it was a quote that I saw one day and we actually mentioned this on a previous podcast. But a great quote about communication is that the biggest illusion about communication in marriage is that it's actually happening. And so a lot of people think that they're communicating, but they actually are not, so I would love to hear what you have to say about it.

LaTanya: 5:01

And so I think it's such a when people say, well, well, I think one of the hardest parts of marriage is communication, and I feel like that's such a broad topic like what is that? What does that mean? It's so much in there and so much to impact in that, and so for so many I think it's about when you talk about communication, you're thinking about talking, but what we have learned over these now 20 plus years and again in talking with couples and engaging with people just in general, is that communication is so much more than just talking.

Eugene: 5:40

Yeah, and it's actually a statistic. Statistically speaking, the 7% of what you say is really what people hear, but if the other 93% is your tone and body language, and people hear that far greater than they do even what you say. So it's not only about what you say, but a lot of times people say it.

LaTanya: 6:02

Often it's not what you say, it's how you said, it say but a lot of times people say it often it's not what you say, it's how you said it. Absolutely, and I think it's important to share the difference between talking and communicating, because there is a big difference and I think the world that we live in now people do a lot of talking.

LaTanya: 6:20

A lot of talking. It's noisy, like a lot of noise, a lot of words, but they often aren't communicating, it's often one-sided. And so we want to dig deep into that. Like what is that? What is the difference between like communicating and talking? And so I want to you know, start, now that we were preparing for this, I'm like how do you prepare for this? How do you really talk about communication in its rawest sense? What is it? How do you define communication? Have you ever thought about defining communication?

Eugene: 6:58

I haven't. I mean, I just want to be heard and understood. I guess is kind of how I think about it.

LaTanya: 7:03

Yeah, and I think you sum that up well. At the core of it is really how we process information, how we convey information, ideas, feelings, when we're in a group. So it's really just how do we get across what we want to say? And it's much more than just the words we speak. It's really about what you just said being understood and getting an understanding. And I think sometimes that's where things break down too, because if you like, well, did you understand what I had to say? You know, because we get like that and then you're like well, I don't know, I'm trying to get an understanding and I feel like that's sometimes some of even our back and forth with communication.

LaTanya: 7:54

But when you really think about it and as again, as we were preparing for this, I had never thought about that difference between talking and communicating, you know, and and um, one sense that talking, like talking versus communication. So talking is just this one sided you know, you, it can be one sided is sometimes just words. You know, as again in this, um, I think, the social media era and this in an era where we post so that we can see, so that you can hear, so that we can share our opinions, that's often so one sided, and when it, when you come down to thinking about communication or really communicating, I think, is more, more of it's work.

Eugene: 8:43

It is work, it's intentional. When you're talking talking is an assumption you automatically assume that people that you're saying it in a way that that was clear because you just you, just you know insinuated that that's some things, that that that we have dealt with. But I think that's my issue is that I sometimes, when I'm talking, I think that the way that I said it was crystal clear and you're like yeah, but I don't understand what you just said. And so when you're saying that you don't understand, I think when people are talking and you're not communicating, what people will do is they will repeat what they just said and it's like, bro, like I didn't understand what you just said. So it can't just be, you can't just repeat what you just said. In order to communicate, you actually have to do it and think about it and consider it from the other person's perspective.

LaTanya: 9:34

Yeah, I think it's. You know it's active, it's engaging. You know it's intentional and it's it's again, it's it's work. You know it's it's relational, it's vulnerable. You know it's so much more than just the words that are, you know, coming out of, coming out of your mouth. You know when you want to communicate, especially if you want to in a healthy way, and so often communication breakdown in a marriage becomes because of some of these things. It wasn't intentional, it wasn't attentive, it was. You know, you on your phone. I'm trying to have this deep conversation and you on your phone, and I'm not saying you. I mean, it probably was a time and place, but you do so much better. Whatever you do better.

Eugene: 10:29

I'm working on it, you are, that's important.

LaTanya: 10:33

And I think also, when you're communicating, it's about your body language, it's cues. You got to pick up cues. You got to have just what we're doing right now, like this eye contact. You got to be so engaged in order to be able to get an understanding and to be able to be understood and I think real talk. Sometimes our attention spans are that of a gnat and so just say what you're going to say, and let's be done so that I can say what I'm going to say, and then you now miss listening. You know, you hear it, but now you're not listening. And then you're in this, this tussle of here versus you know, versus listening, which is also important in communication. Like you can hear, we hear a lot of things, but when you truly listen, you're a lot of things, but when you truly listen, you're truly listening for what that person is saying. And it goes back to all of those things that are part of communication, which is being intentional, being attentive, engaging eye contact, which then makes you say this is a lot of work.

Eugene: 11:40

It is. And I think I often say I love the delineation you just gave between hearing and listening, because sometimes we hear, but when you're truly listening, you're listening to understand. And I think oftentimes when people are talking they interpret what a person is saying and I'm going to go much deeper in that in a second. But I think that's where you say the breakdown in communication. The breakdown happens when someone interprets what you say and they don't truly understand what you meant or what you intended, because they heard it but they weren't really listening, or they they interpret it based on how it made them feel, versus what you intended and what you actually said.

Eugene: 12:30

And so I have come a long way, um, because I don't I don't immediately react to how something that you may say make me feel Cause one, I'm going to assume positive intent. I'm not going to assume that you intentionally, are trying to say something that's going to, um, that's going to hurt me. So when I'm listening I have to process that all at the same time, and then sometimes I'll paraphrase like hey, when you said, did you mean? What did you mean by that? And sometimes I may just ask like, what'd you mean by that, so that I can understand and I think that's the important part when you're talking about hearing versus listening.

LaTanya: 13:05

Yeah, because I think so often again, and I hate to say so often, but in relationships with our spouse or your significant other, if we really are honest with ourselves, how often do you just hear what they're saying as opposed to really processing and really listening to what they're saying? And when you don't truly listen, I think that becomes a critical part that you know impacts, impacts that communication and again goes back to breaking that down. And I think even you know over the years we have learned to do that differently.

Eugene: 13:45

Yeah, man, and you just said something that just made me think. So, when you think about the three components of communication, you have the content, that's actually the words you're saying, then you have the tone, and then you have body language. And now you have to think about. Most of the communication that we're doing is electronic, so it's via social media, it's via text message, it's via email.

Eugene: 14:07

And so if 93% of what we're communicating is body language and tone, then there's so much room for things to get lost in interpretation based on just the words that are being communicated, and so so often people will become frustrated by a text message and you cannot, like you are interpreting tone in a text message you don't a hundred percent know. So even in a text message, it is absolutely important to assume positive intent, and so I think that not only assume positive intent, but if I'm communicating via text message or via direct message, dm or whatever it is, it becomes even more vital for the person who is actually communicating to do whatever they can to somehow figure out that's why I think even emojis have become popular to figure out how can I communicate that I'm happy, like my mood, or the tone, that in which I'm communicating it with, and so I think that you know.

LaTanya: 15:17

It's becoming a loss, potentially a loss art you know and and it's, it's, that's. That was eyeopening when you just said that I was just reading something recently where I think it was Harvard or some college is now teaching basic skills of communication to students because they're losing interpersonal skills they're losing those interpersonal skills for the reasons that you said, because we get to be behind electronics as opposed to doing this. You know, I mean even Zoom, you know.

LaTanya: 15:56

So it's well, no, let me get on Zoom and people keep their screens off on Zoom and keep their screens off and it's something about when you're sitting in the room with people and when you're sitting in the room with your spouse and you can now feel the space, you can read their room, you can read their face, you can be attentive, like, wait, hold on. You just frowned. Tell me about that, look, or now you're looking sad.

Eugene: 16:22

You shifted your weight you shifted your weight.

LaTanya: 16:24

What did that? What did that mean?

Eugene: 16:27

um, and that you can go so much deeper in conversation and one more thought is that, um, and that's why, when people say, you know, talk to my face, you're not engaging, you're on your phone and not paid, that's all of that. Body language actually matters in the, in how you're communicating, and and so you may say, oh, I'm on my phone, or you're in your phone like this oh, I'm listening, no, you are hearing me, but you're not actually listening, because you got to listen with your body language, your tone and everything else. If we're actually going to properly communicate, and so I think you know we have to go, continue to go, a little bit deeper than that. Hearing versus listening, yeah.

LaTanya: 17:10

Cause in communication is a verb. You know it is, it is a verb, it is action, Um, and is not just you know, because then it becomes to your point um, just hearing or just talking, as opposed to being just active.

Eugene: 17:26

So when you say I love the fact that you said communication is not just talking, it's actually about connecting. And so for me, whenever I'm listening to anybody, I'm trying to legitimately understand what they're saying, and many times people become frustrated because I ask a lot of questions and I'll ask a deeper question because I want to make sure that I understand, and what I'm finding out is that even sometimes with the questions that I ask, other people don't even understand exactly what they're saying, and so when you don't understand what you're saying, then truly you can't convey it in a way that I'm supposed to understand it too. So when I ask questions, it's really about me trying to connect in the moment. How you feel about it, what was the origin of the thought or the behavior, of why you're doing what you're doing? And when connection is weak, communication will actually feel like you're in an argument. It'll actually feel like you're combating.

Eugene: 18:23

And so being able to understand talking versus communicating and being able to understand hearing versus listening is so important, and I think people take it for granted, but we legitimately, have worked at this thing for every single year, and so understanding that, creating a safe space for your husband and or your wife to be honest and vulnerable, to communicate is just as important, because for the last little over a year, I've been doing a group with a bunch of men, husbands in particular. That it's not that they don't know how to communicate is what I'm discovering in this group, but it's just that they don't know how to communicate is what I'm discovering in this group but it's just that they don't feel emotionally, mentally or psychologically safe to communicate. And so I you know, I know it was God that that told me that I needed to create this space so that the men could feel emotionally, emotionally, psychologically and, you know, uh physically safe in order to to talk about it.

LaTanya: 19:28

And so I want to just chime in right there, Cause I also think, um, you know, the world hasn't given men that that, um, okay, you know they haven't said that that's okay to do that. Um, because so much of the stereotype of who men are and what you do. You hold it in, you don't share your feelings, you don't talk about it, you don't cry Like there's a whole lot of what you don't I think as men, whereas women get the space and the opportunity to do hey, hey hey, hey, you doing too much.

Eugene: 20:10

I don't even like the way that you said all of that, to take all that out of it.

LaTanya: 20:16

But we get the space to do that and so in what it does is it creates an interesting dynamic. So if I'm now ready to be vulnerable and share and cry, but you are like, no, that's not what we do and don't even know what to, we don't even teach you how to, what to do with that, what to do with all of my emotions, nor do we teach me how to take all of your emotions. Because the minute you say you know some of the stereotypes I should say that comes with, it is like, oh, no, you weak. You say all of that, like, why are you? That's you too soft, you too well? No, you know, no, this is how I feel, and so, but then when you become the hard and don't know what to do with all of these emotions I'm giving you now is you don't see me, you don't want to hear my feelings, you're not creating a safe space for me. So it's really the narrative that I think the world society has given men and women is part of the confusion to communication.

Eugene: 21:27

I agree, and it's cultural conditioning. And what I even discovered is that there's a lot of talk about safe spaces and creating a safe space. What I've discovered is most people don't even know what a safe space is, and so we have to ask ourselves do I know what a safe space is? And so we have to ask ourselves do I know what a safe space is? Because if you don't know what it is, it's impossible to create it.

Eugene: 21:49

And a safe space in a marriage is an emotional, mental and spiritual environment where both people feel like they can be heard without judgment. It's a free. They're free to express their fears, their needs and their failures. They're free to express their fears, their needs and their failures. They feel like that they're going to be accepted and not expected to be perfect, and they feel like they'll be covered with grace and not with criticism. And so what's so important is that oftentimes, when men feel like I'm going to open up and I'm going to share, then the first thing we see or hear is a criticism. And so, therefore, we clam it back up, or we just shut down or we stonewall. And I just praise God for this opportunity. And so I love James 1 and 19 that it says let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. And so when you think about you know quick to hear you're you gotta be quiet to hear. And then when you're slow to speak, you gotta be quiet you can't pop off.

Eugene: 22:53

Before you pop off and then when you do it, you're you're responding to what they said, based on what you understand, as opposed to emotionally reacting to it and being slow to anger. And so, couples, when you're really thinking about this we have to, when we ask and when we're thinking about you know, do I even know what a safe space is? Here's a couple of questions that you can ask yourself is do I understand that safety is more about how my spouse feels than what I intend? Right, because a lot of times in communication we'll be like oh, here's what I intended. Oh, I didn't mean it like that. No, but do you understand that safety is more about how you said that, the body language in which you delivered? It is not about what you intended, but it's about how it made them feel when you did it, so that you have to be more intentional with what you do. Second question to ask is do I value listening to understand over defending myself? Because a lot of times when we're having communication, if you're listening to respond and listening to just try to defend yourself, even if they're saying something that was not true, you have to say, oh, they took that wrong, because the thing that I a long time ago.

Eugene: 24:18

I don't know where I read it, but my hope, what I understand is that the enemy wants us to not be on one accord. But how can two walk together except they agree? And so constantly the enemy wants us to have contempt for one another. The bait of Satan is offense. The enemy wants us to be offended. So I had to decide no enemy. I see you, so I'm not going to allow you to cause me to be offended. I'm going to not take offense. I'm going to let offense stay over there with the enemy, so that we can make sure that we remain on one accord. And so we must ask ourselves have I created a safe space for my spouse? And in order to create a safe space for your spouse, it's about intentional behavior.

Eugene: 25:08

Creating a safe space is not a one-time occurrence. It's not a one-time occurrence, it's a daily decision, regardless of how you feel. So you can be mad, but here's the thing we can be mad and we can feel like we want to speak our mind and we want to get this out. But do you want to get it out or do you want to get to the root cause and resolve it so that y'all can get beyond it. So you shouldn't be in a space just to get it out. So if that's the case, then creating a safe space so that you can actually have a dialogue and communicate should be the priority. And creating that safe space is not passive. It requires you to consistently invite openness and respond with empathy. So constantly I'm like, okay, why did that make me mad, why did that make you mad? And I'm always looking for a space where I can let my speech always be gracious in seasons with salt. That's what Colossians 4 and 6 says.

LaTanya: 26:08

You do that well.

Eugene: 26:09

Thank you.

LaTanya: 26:09

You create a safe space. Well, You've always created a safe space for me and I, like I appreciate that because you know you marry.

Eugene: 26:24

I did yeah you know God bless. God bless, you know you may. You was fighting me, you was hitting me and stuff we first met let's not, let's not, let's not.

LaTanya: 26:32

I just decided that she's crazy, so I want to make sure lies.

Eugene: 26:36

You didn't hear me, okay we're gonna keep going yeah so.

Eugene: 26:39

So a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger, that's proverbs 15 and 1 like a gentle answer turns away wrath, and and there are some instances and I'm gonna talk about this in a minute but sometimes a gentle answer don't turn away wrath, but that's your stuff and we'll get there. So here's what you have to do in order to create a safe space, because I want to make sure that we're very practical, because that's the other thing about communication. People often say, oh, you have to communicate better, yeah, but how? But how do you do that? And so, again, you know, I want to make sure that you understand that when I'm talking of the things that I'm about to say, and even some of the things that I've said, the tendency is for us to think about what the other person should be doing. You can only control you. You can only control you, so don't worry about whether or not they are doing it or they are not doing it. You just have to hold yourself accountable and do this.

Eugene: 27:40

So, when you're trying to create a safe space, you listen without fixing. Listen without fixing, and I want to say without fixing right away, because accountability is needed, but it's not always needed in the moment, and so I have learned that even if I, even if I if I quote unquote know what's needed to fix it, it's not always wise to try to fix it in the moment, because what you need from me in the moment is to be heard, and so sometimes I will just hear you and then later I'll say hey, I was thinking about that conversation we just had. Have you considered this? And then, for me, I don't always try to fix it. Sometimes I try to pull out what. The answer is usually already inside of you, unless it's something that's impacting the both of us. I'm not going to come in and say you need to do this, you need to. That's that's always going to happen.

LaTanya: 28:32

I'm not going to come in and say you need to do this, you need to, that's, that's always going to happen and I just like stick a quick pin there. I think again, that has been a evolution in our relationship. I remember early on, because of just of who you are, and we even just had this conversation, the other day.

Eugene: 28:50

You are a problem solver.

LaTanya: 28:50

We even just had this conversation just the other day. You are a problem solver and I think early on in our marriage it was-.

Eugene: 28:58

Let me fix it.

LaTanya: 28:59

Let me fix it. And I remember distinctly and I don't know where we were, where we were living at the time, probably here, I don't know if we were in Detroit or here, but I remember saying I don't want you to fix it, I want you to just listen, because it was almost like as quick as the words that were coming out of my mouth. It was like okay, what about this? Okay, what about this?

Eugene: 29:21

I wouldn't even interrupt you.

LaTanya: 29:22

Yes, and I'm like bruh, just hear what I'm saying. At this moment. I just need you to hear, and I think I've never I don't know if I was always as bold enough to say that, but it was a breaking point for me that I just said. I just want you to hear. I'm not a project to be fixed, I'm your wife, and that shifted even how. And you are, are, you're wise and you have. God has gifted you with just wisdom, and so so many people you know look and seek that, that wisdom for you, and so I value, I value that, I value that. But I also just sometimes just need to be a baby or be a brat or just say just listen to what this is like or what this happened to me, and not necessarily for a fix, and you've done a great job of that and I noticed that you know well.

Eugene: 30:33

So yeah, that's most definitely one of the ways to create a safe space. Another one is don't throw things back up in people's faces later, and I think a lot of times you know that just proves that you personally have not healed. But you know, if God throws them in the sea of forgetfulness and remembers them no more, bringing them back up will not help the situation, especially for a man and a woman. Truly, when we keep bringing it and throwing it back up. Another way to keep creating safe spaces you got to remain calm even when they are not. That's not always easy, but we should not add fuel to the fire. Not add fuel to the fire, and then, when you apologize, apologize but also take ownership of the role that you played in it. And so another question that we have to ask ourselves is does my spouse initiate honesty or emotional conversations with me? Because if they are not, you got to ask yourself why not? It could be because you haven't created a safe space in order for them to do that, and because maybe you interrupt them, like we just said, maybe you invalidate them or you minimize their concerns, and they feel like, okay, well, why should I even try to share it to begin with, and so we have to do some introspection and ask ourselves these questions, because when your spouse is expressing pain, do you get defensive or are you compassionate? And so those are all of the things that we have to think about Now. This is important.

Eugene: 32:03

So most people are too focused on what their spouses does that they miss the opportunity to improve their marriage by working on themselves. They don't do it, and so the big one is this when we're thinking about safe spaces, it's as do you even recognize a safe space when you're actually in one? Do you recognize some men or some women are actually creating the safe space? Excuse me, but we don't recognize that we're in it, and this is about emotional awareness, this is about maturity and this is about discernment.

Eugene: 32:44

To say I'm in a safe space, but what's causing you to not? And so even when your spouse tries to be a safe space, you must be able to recognize it, because when we are not healed from all the things that we have dealt with in the past, we view life through past traumas, which causes us to misinterpret what's right in front of us, and many of us talk about that. We can't find a good man or a good woman. But could it possibly be that you ran them away because you were unhealed by the wounds and the traumas of your past, because you pack it up.

LaTanya: 33:21

You pack it up every place you go, like you. You unpack it and then that bag lady that bag lady.

Eugene: 33:28

What was that? Was that Erykah Badu song Bag lady?

LaTanya: 33:31

And then you pack it back up and then you bring it to the next place instead of leaving that. You know leaving that there and that again impacts. That causes challenges in communication.

Eugene: 33:44

Absolutely, because trauma like we're talking scientifically now, this is not opinion but trauma actually alters. Now, this is not opinion, but trauma actually alters. It doesn't just alter how you feel, but it also alters how you see, how you see. It actually rewires your brain to detect threat, even in peaceful situations. That's why so many people are so used to chaos that they could be in peace and they will just create the chaos so that they can feel more comfortable. And so it's like wow, like come on man. So even when your spouse is genuinely offering safety, that traumatized heart might still perceive it as danger. And so what do you have to do with that?

Eugene: 34:32

And I often say is that you know your triggers is not the responsibility of your spouse, like because of your past traumas. It's impossible for them to know that what they're going to do or say or how it's going to trigger you, and it's not fair for you to expect them to walk around on eggshells or say this a certain way or do it a certain way. And so a lot of times we often think about oh, it's communication. No, it's just like you're a ticking time bomb. And so we all have to make sure that we're doing what's necessary, because trauma filters create relational blind spots and we'll have blind spots in our relationships and not even understand it, because we're unhealed and we have unhealed wounds and those actually speak so much louder than the words that are coming out of our mouth.

LaTanya: 35:24

And I feel like the word healed is like a buzzword these days. I'm healing, I'm healing me, I'm healing me, you know, but are we really doing the work to get healed? Because healed people don't continue to say I'm healed or I'm healing myself, you know, because you can't do that, or I'm, you know, I'm in my healing season era, whatever the words, the buzzwords that we're using. And so I think we are in a, you know, a post-COVID world of you know, literally the world experienced trauma, and so I think that awakened so much in people.

Eugene: 36:13

Me included, yeah.

LaTanya: 36:15

And we y'all, we had some communication. Yeah, I had to say hold on, I can't. It's a lot, but, you know, but needed, and so I think in that. So we're living this space of trauma and now trying to heal, just from COVID, but that also awakened, I think, so many other things in us.

LaTanya: 36:39

And now, how do we not in our healing, how do we be aware of that as our self-awareness that we need to be healed or we need our you know, we, we, what we're bringing to the table? I should say that, um, in order to make sure that, as we're getting in a relationship, because again, we're talking about, so, you want to be married and why, um, understanding that that trauma, as you were saying, um, impacts really how you show up and the words that come out of your mouth, absolutely. And so so much of this, I think, is a heart kind of shifting to why is communication so challenging? As you said, spaces aren't safe, but also we haven't did the internal work, and so much of communication comes from the hard parts of communication, comes from what's in our heart.

Eugene: 37:38

It does, because many arguments are just echoes of past pain. That's it. And so what happened is that we think we're talking about current events, but what is the issue when the issue is not the issue? And so, without healing, we interpret our spouse's tone and their words through the filters of fear and insecurity, and so you know, we'll say, you know you're not listening to me and you, but it's like that's really saying I feel invisible and so I do want to talk to you, want you to talk more about the heart in a second, but just a few more things that I was thinking about. Because, again, if we're talking about creating a safe space, you've got to know what it looks like in order to do that. And so, without the healing that you're talking about, our history becomes the lens of our reality, and so you know we can see our spouse and they can be silent and we can interpret that as rejection and really it's really them being thoughtful or maybe they're tired. And again, when you have a poor lens or a dirty lens, a request for closeness can be interpreted as them trying to control you, and it's like that's not a red flag, that's just them trying to get to know you and they really want. They're longing for unity and companionship.

Eugene: 38:54

But because of your past trauma, you misinterpreted and then you can have healthy confrontation, because every argument, people who can't, you know and I'm going to say this quote a little later but you know you can be trying to, because all conflict is not bad. But sometimes when someone says something, you immediately can interpret conflict as an attack and it's like all conflict is not an attack. So when you're in those situations, when you're thinking about are you creating a safe space? A really practical question that you can ask yourself is what helps? Well, you can ask your spouse this question actually. So what helps you feel safest with me, emotionally, mentally and spiritually? Because when you ask that question, it actually invites vulnerability and that's when you can begin to create some very safe spaces that y'all can actually assess. And so when you're thinking about, you know, you know, is this a safe space? Is our marriage a safe space?

Eugene: 39:56

You know, I appreciate the fact that when I'm in conversations with you and when we're having conversations, even if it's a impassioned one, I feel lighter, not heavier, and when we're having conversations there's room sometimes for us to pause, cry, reflect or breathe. It's not. It's not a war of words where we feel like you know it's just going without, without any, you know, any space to actually process those conversations. At the end of it I actually feel closer to you and I feel like we actually got to a resolve and not something that's open-ended and we're going to have to deal with it, you know, later.

Eugene: 40:41

And that's why I believe it's so important that you know people always clicheically say you know you got to keep God in the center of your relationship. But you know we three is for real it's God plus me, plus you. That is truly the winning team and that's something that I just you know it just I love it so much because you know second Corinthians 317 is where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom, and so we always try to make sure that the spirit of the Lord is in our relationship. But I know you said something a few minutes ago about the, you know the heart and why that matters.

LaTanya: 41:15

Yeah, I think when you're looking at challenges in communication and why so many people are saying communication is so hard, a lot of it starts with, as I said earlier, with you and really what's in your heart, because usually what's in your heart is going to come right on out your mouth, yeah, and you can't take it back. You cannot. Your frustrations, your irritation, your truth sometimes comes right deep down from the heart and that dictates how a person hears it and receives it. Like, if this is, if it's coming from a, a um, you know, you just have to do a heart check Right.

LaTanya: 42:04

Exactly, oh, broken or attained heart, unhealed heart, is going to come out to you, and when something, um, when something that you say, some of the words that have come out of your mouth, triggers something inside of my heart, then it now is going to come out of my mouth in either a bad way, and I don't want to just talk about communication, we're talking about the struggles of it. But when communication is well, that creates some harmony, just definitely create some harmony.

LaTanya: 42:40

So let me say let's go Bible. Let's go Bible, All right. So Luke 6 and 45 says a good man brings good things out of the good stored in his heart. So let me say that again A good man or woman brings good things out of the good stored up in their heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of that stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

Eugene: 43:14

Oh yeah.

LaTanya: 43:16

Ouch Whoa, you know. So again, what's what's in your heart? And so back to what you even say earlier. Around we so often try to, especially when we're in contentious conversations with one another, we're often trying to look at what the other person did. But what? What did you bring in your heart to that conversation and are you ready? And? And what does that? How does that show up? You know, how does that show up in in spaces.

LaTanya: 43:44

The other thing that I think is is really, you know, when you're looking at you know, some of the challenges in communication, you know, is really like the world, the voice of the world, versus the voice at home, and you kind of alluded to that earlier.

LaTanya: 44:01

You know, I think so often we pour out in the world. You know, we use our voice, we communicate, pour out in the world, we use our voice, we communicate, we watch our words. We're careful what our words, especially in a workplace. We are careful of what our words and what we say and how we say. We're careful of our body language. We're so attentive and tuned in to spaces outside of the home that by the time we get home we done, we're tired. I don't want to now have to do the work that it's now going to take for me to show up in my home the way I had to show up in the world, and you at home should understand that I had to show up out here in a way that now has made me tired and I don't want to do that. But you know what.

Eugene: 45:03

That's something that I actually was convicted by a long time ago, because I think sometimes, you know, we do expect our spouses to understand. You even said to me one day, the other day recently, that I think during COVID, you saw, since we were both working at home, you saw how much some days I pour out so much, and so you were just like whoo, like I didn't know that sometimes I was on the phone from 7 am to 7 pm, straight, like from one call to the next, and it wasn't just using head, it was using heart, it was using spirit, it was coaching couples, it was all of that, and so you were able to see. And so then you would like OK, I'm not going to say nothing to him now that he's off the phone because, like man, he's been doing that all day- Cause I would come ready, Like what about this and what about that?

LaTanya: 45:57

What'd you think about this? What'd you want for dinner? What'd you want for this? Well, how should we do that? I will come ready.

Eugene: 46:02

But for me it's like it's not fair to you, it's not fair to Micah, for me to be present for everybody else all day long and then have nothing else to give when I do get home. Now, I understand that there's going to be some days, but it's my responsibility, I believe, to make sure that I don't treat the people outside of my home better than I'm treating you all. And there's oftentimes where we will be more polite, we will be more graceful with our words with strangers than we would with the people who we say we love the most. And so it's like, no, I'm not going to do that. Like if I say I love you, then love is patient, it's kind, it's not irritable, it doesn't keep record of wrong, like that's how I'm supposed to treat you. I'm supposed to treat you, but I don't love the people who I passed out on the street. But I will put up a facade and treat them better and communicate with them better than I would communicate with when I get home with the people I love the most.

LaTanya: 47:02

I think that goes back to what you were just talking about with the safe space too. You know, if you um, I have always, since the start hey, I'm not a chaotic person, so I don't. I wouldn't do well in chaos, but I always want our home to be a place of peace for you.

LaTanya: 47:23

You know, you've done well with that, you have to again show up in spaces and navigate worlds a lot and navigate worlds a lot, and our home should be a place of peace. And I want anybody not you know, yes for you, but anybody I want this to be a place of peace for you, so that you don't have to now figure out or be the same person you were outside of this home as you, you know, when you come through the doors. I want this to be a place. So you've created that safe space. Well, you've done that well.

Eugene: 48:01

So I mean, the question, of course, that we've asked to start this episode was why is communication so hard in marriage? And so you know we're speaking, but we're not understanding. It's like like you're talking two different languages. And even I was thinking about this the other day as I was praying and preparing for this episode. I was like we even have more patience when we approach.

Eugene: 48:22

If someone approached you and they spoke a different language, what do you do? Like think about the effort. I remember us being in the airport and it was a young man who was just trying to figure out, you know, to explain. He didn't speak English, but he was just and then also make sure he can understand what we are saying so that we can do what was needed to be done. And I was fine, like Micah, go listen to what he's saying and then tell him, and Micah listen to him and then talk back to him. But my whole point is that somebody came up to you who spoke a different language back to them. But my whole point is that somebody came up to you who spoke a different language.

Eugene: 49:18

Think about the amount of effort that you would put in in order to make sure that you understand them, you wouldn't be on your phone. I mean, some people would, that would be rude. But I'm saying, think about the level of and the amount of engagement we got to do the same thing with our spouses. Sometimes, when they're trying, when I'm trying to communicate, you're trying to communicate. In my mind it's like wait, I want to make sure I'm understanding. So I'm going to watch body language, I'm going to listen intentively, and so it's like men and women process emotion, stress and decisions differently. And that's, you know, thinking about the love languages. We receive love differently, and so we have to make sure that we don't misinterpret, because it's very common. But because I'm fine could merely mean pursue me, and, of course, when? So you mad, that's what happens.

Eugene: 50:04

But a quote that I love. It says people who can't communicate think everything is an argument and people who lack accountability think everything is an attack. I don't know who said that quote, but it's phenomenal quote, and what I know is I'm sorry. What I know is is that pride actually blocks partnership, and so when we allow pride to come in the middle, when we're trying to be right as opposed to be understood, it just becomes, you know, very difficult for us to be on one accord and it's hard to say and when you, when pride gets in the way, it's hard to say that I was wrong. It's hard to say when you, when pride gets in the way, it's hard to say that I was wrong. It's hard to say help me understand you, because you're so concerned with being right, and especially in Christian marriages, pride often, you know, wears this mask of self-righteousness and it turns into competition as opposed to collaboration and cooperation.

LaTanya: 50:51

And matching energy and so, like we like to say, we need to match energy.

Eugene: 50:57

But negative energy. Make sure it's godly energy Right.

LaTanya: 50:59

Make sure it's godly energy, make sure it's not negative energy, because when you are, you know, the quickest way to kill communication is matching negative energy, negative energy, and so often we do that negative energy. And so often we do that because, again, going back to some of the things that we talked about earlier around, are you hearing or listening? Are you talking? Are you communicating? And so when you get into this space, that negative matching, that negative energy, all of that stuff from the top of what we just talked about is gone, because now you just hear it and you're just talking because I heard. You just hear it and you just talking Because I heard what you said. I didn't like it. So now I'm about to talk back at you and what you said, and so you know, you just have to be careful at at at that matching energy.

LaTanya: 51:44

So I think Proverbs 15 and one just says it so eloquently in terms of matching that energy, just a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger, absolutely. So you know you gotta be careful, because we always talk about I'm gonna match your energy, um, not in negative. Why? Why match negative energy? Somebody has to be in order to have like a healthy space of communication. Somebody has to say I'm not matching your energy.

Eugene: 52:18

Yeah, we both can't be driven by the devil. That's what that matching energy is. I love Proverbs 13 and 10 too. It says where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice. And so the energy and the spirit that we should be matching is the Holy Spirit, and when we know the evidence of that is based on the fruit of the spirit Galatians 5, 22 and 23,. Because that's the spirit that we should be trying to match, because that's how we know that we're operating in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. But I know that you were talking about making sure that we have a more positive approach, because we've talked about a lot of the negative sides of it. But I know that you were leaning toward a path toward healthier communication. Tell me some more about that.

LaTanya: 53:05

Yeah. So I think it's important to you know, we don't want to just leave you on these things. We want to say communication. Is communication in marriage hard? Yep, it is. It's communication, not even just in marriage. Is communication in life hard? Yes, it is. And will it take more work in marriage? Absolutely, it absolutely will. But it's worth it. And that's where I feel like we lean into the it's worth it. Evaluating why you want to get married and this very critical part, because, again, let me say this, people who have been married 40, 50 years, I think still have communication issues. Because communication, as you said earlier about safe spaces, communication is something that you do daily, like all day too, all day, all day. And we're now in a time, as we mentioned earlier, around you can communicate in lots of different ways. You're on text, on phone, in an email all day, in an email all day. You are really functioning in the space of making sure people understand what you're saying and that you're being understood. So it becomes pretty vital. It's vital to your marriage.

Eugene: 54:51

And I'm sorry for 45 years, someone who's been married for 45 years, you're not the same person that you were in year one, and so if you're evolving and if you're evolving then if communication is about making a connection, then then it behooves me. Then it behooves me and it's my responsibility to learn who you are today and not use my assumptions or who I thought you were back at. I hate it. Well, I shouldn't say hate, but I just despise when people say, oh, you changed, yeah you're supposed to.

Eugene: 55:28

Growth happens, and so I believe that what has worked for us is that, as you have evolved and changed over these 23, 24 years, 30 years that we've known each other, it's been my responsibility to say, okay, wait, who is she now? Who is she today, and how should I communicate with her today in order to make sure that we're making a connection today, not just based on who she was yesterday. But a lot of people will stay in yesterday and then get upset because you know, the thing that I did yesterday is not working today. It's because you should change.

LaTanya: 56:04

And the season, season of life. We've talked about this. Now we share that. You know we're empty nesters and so you know, even our time in space and even being in the same space with one another, you know on a more regular basis that that's requiring a different way to communicate and sometimes the communication is is silent, like is in it, and it's not because we met and it's comfortable, because I just don't have anything to say right now and we in this space, we're here together. Why are you not talking? Why are you not?

Eugene: 56:37

No, it's comfortable because I just don't have nothing to say right now, and we in this space, we're here together. Why you're not talking? Why you're not? No, it ain't about that.

LaTanya: 56:40

It's not about that and we only children too, so we probably have a different level of communicating, um, but it's, it's okay, and I think what you have to realize is that every phase of life has your communication will look different. When we were in the thick of like hands on parenting, it was about where we have to be, who picking up what time, what are we missing? It was somewhat about our calendar and our space, although I do believe we did a really great job, especially when Micah was younger, of being intentional around date nights, and we'll pick that conversation up. But that date night allowed us to communicate as adults just the two of us and not about.

LaTanya: 57:25

Micah and not about Micah, although some the conversation usually came around, but it wasn't now a little person in the mix of now we have to have conversation you know with, when communicating with him. So yeah, seasons change, and so why communication is so important really revolves around, I would say, four different things Building intimacy, trust, conflict resolution and just your growth and adaption. And I should probably say one more really partnership and teamwork. That's why communicating is important. So, you know, intimacy, so through, and not just sexual intimacy, but just now, this space of being able to really understand each other, when you're truly communicating beyond that surface level. So you're going deep.

LaTanya: 58:13

You know COVID was a go deep for us level. So you're going deep. Covid was a go deep for us. It really was. We spent a lot of time on our patio just talking and going deeper than we probably ever have in the history of our time together, because we were able to stop, we weren't distracted, we didn't have all the busyness of life, and it was good and it did. It took us deeper, even in our relationship. And so you know we don't love, you know, COVID, but we love, I think, what has happened in our lives, you know, post COVID.

LaTanya: 58:53

So, so, yeah, so it creates, so, creates intimacy through understanding. So when we're why it matters, why communication matters, is because it can, it again creates an intimacy, understanding. Conflict resolution like listen, keep a living honey. As the old folks say, conflict don't come.

Eugene: 59:13

And conflict is not bad.

LaTanya: 59:14

Conflict is not bad.

Eugene: 59:15

How you handle it.

LaTanya: 59:16

Yes, conflict don't come and conflict is not bad. Conflict is not how you handle it. Yes, and we and we've shared in some episodes before around we um early in the stages and probably lasted longer. If we're being honest, it probably lasted longer than it needed to be. Um, we had created this space of some false harmony, like we knew that there was contention. We would say whatever we're going to say, and then we wouldn't say it anymore and then give it about. It never went on for days like we were not those. It never went on. I should say it went on longer than we did, but we never like mad. We didn't stop talking to each other. We might have stopped talking to each other for that moment, but we still never dealt with the reason why we stopped talking for that moment.

Eugene: 59:59

And I don't really I can't go back to what the breaking point was and I'm sorry, but that's a good point, because I don't want y'all to believe and think that it's always been rosy and perfect. We're speaking to you from a place of a testimony. This is not to say that we have been perfect, that we've always got this thing right. I mean, there were years of stonewalling where I would talk, where I shut down, and some of it was that I didn't feel safe to talk. But a lot of it was my own unresolved stuff on the inside of me that caused me to shut down and not talk. That that that hindered the intimacy in our relationship, because I wasn't saying anything.

LaTanya: 1:00:46

And I matched the energy, I matched the negative energy. You not saying nothing, I'm not saying nothing. So y'all want to talk, I don't want to talk, um, and it just led to some, you know, some pretty silent periods in our life and just stale yeah yeah, just going through the motions, through them, through the motions, so, um, so why matters intimacy?

LaTanya: 1:01:09

conflict resolution, um, healthy communication also builds partnership and teamwork. We are the winning team. We function as a partnership. This is a partnership. This is not a dictatorship. This is, you know how everybody has a space and say in that. But I'm only able to feel like this is a partnership and we're building our team because we can have healthy communication and because we are, you know, actively trying to hear, see, feel, engage with, um, with one another. And I think you know, as we are entering into um, a new, a new decade of age, we won't share that decade, anna, even where we are in our marriage. You ain't going to win this.

LaTanya: 1:02:05

And we may not like all pieces of it, but we're going to make this team work, we're going to make it work through. And that only leads itself to my last point of why communication is so important to growth and adaption. So really that growth when we are now and as we've been sharing, is that when we've been able to have healthy communication, we've also seen growth in our marriage. We've also seen even growth in us as individuals.

LaTanya: 1:02:37

I believe it was a time where I just thought, in this space of false submission, that I had to. Just submission meant I was quiet, submission meant I didn't say anything. But then that also led to us being stale and being just going through the routine of things, whereas when I said, well, no, and it's not because you said that you or you created a space for me where I couldn't, but it was my understanding of what it meant to be submissive that that now meant I didn't have a voice and that wasn't the case. You never said that to me. But when I just, you know, decided, well, no, again, latonya. He married Latonya, who had a whole lot of words, who had a whole lot of words, who got those words back.

LaTanya: 1:03:27

He probably wished those words would sometimes go away sometimes, but it then led to growth. It then led to me saying that I'm part of this team and that you didn't have to take the weight of this marriage on. This wasn't just only for you, this is us, and I say that to you all the time that you don't have to be the one to figure it out. But if I don't know what you're figuring out in this brain, but I do know, because I've been with you long enough. When you go silent, I was like all right, what's going on in there? It's like you go silent and then you kind of look off.

Eugene: 1:04:05

you know and I'm like something's going on. Once I talk, it's figured out.

LaTanya: 1:04:10

Yeah and I'm like okay, but we can, you know we can do this together. So you know. So why communication is important again. It's just it builds intimacy through understanding, it helps with conflict resolution, it helps you to build your partnership and teamwork and it really is a space to help you grow.

Eugene: 1:04:26

So a couple of things that I wanted to say because of this whole season is dedicated to. So you want to get married, so why? So we didn't want to leave out the couples who are considering and or preparing for marriage, and so a couple of things for you all to consider when you're thinking about communication is that communication is not automatic. It is absolutely a skill, and so it's something that you not only have to learn, but you have to continuously work at and to improve, based on the context and or the relationship and the person that you are communicating with. And so you can't assume that love equates to understanding, because that's not true, and you have to pay attention to how conflict is handled. You have to pay attention to and think about and consider how was conflict, how did you handle conflict before you got into the relationship? And then, what's the best way to handle conflict when you're in the relationship with the person? Because, again, conflict in itself is not bad, but how you handle conflict and how you work through it can either be positive or negative. Positive because it's conflict, to me, is an opportunity. Conflict just says, hey, we're not on one accord, but conflict gives you an opportunity to get on one accord, because you get to learn and understand the person more, and so it's not just about all fun and games. You really have to work together to figure out how well do we currently resolve misunderstandings? So think about that when you, before you get married. You have to. And here's the other thing Sometimes we get married so fast before you even had a misunderstanding. And if you don't, if you've never had a misunderstanding, then how do you know how they will resolve conflict?

Eugene: 1:06:10

Number two is, when you're considering communication is do we share the same values and vision? Because I truly believe that Latonya is a purpose partner for me, and love is the fuel, but vision is the steering wheel. And so if you're not on one accord, if you're not traveling in the same direction, if you don't have the same values and the same vision, fundamentally you will always be in conflict and always be at odds. And so, can you agree on finances? Can you agree on faith? Can you agree on family? Can you agree on future goals? But if you can't agree on any of those things, again our favorite scripture is how can two walk together? Except they agree Amos, three and three? So if you cannot agree on any of those things, you can't walk together, and so that's again another way that you can say you know, consider that if your is, will your communication always be hard and always be at odds.

Eugene: 1:07:10

And number three is when you're thinking about marriage, you know, have we, have you practice vulnerability, and so it's not even about just being honest. It's about being honest, but being honest about how you feel, about whatever it is that you're talking about. Have you shared past hurts? Have you shared past fears? Have you shared expectations? Do you feel comfortable enough to share those things? If you don't, you have to ask yourself why not? Is it because I don't feel safe? Is it because I have some unresolved stuff on the inside? Because emotional transparency is actually what builds trust in the relationship, before you get to the point of saying I do in the relationship, before you get to the point of saying I do.

Eugene: 1:07:55

Number four is do you have healthy role models? Because if you're thinking about communication, who you are marrying, can you learn from them? Who have they learned from? Who are these married couples that you have around you that have modeled communication and how you're going to communicate with one another? Mentorship really does matter, and don't try to build this marriage without a blueprint? I mean, there's other people that you can learn from their mistakes.

Eugene: 1:08:28

You can watch our podcast. You can send this podcast, share and subscribe and send it to all the other people. Same as plug, but having this. We didn't have a healthy, we didn't have people who were married. It ain't even about a healthy or unhealthy examples of marriage. We only had a few examples, and so you have to make sure that you know you're seeking the Lord and what God has to say about yourself as individuals. Who am I trying to be like Christ? She I trying to be like Christ. She's trying to be like Christ. Therefore, our marriage looks like Christ. And lastly, have we discussed how we will handle conflict? Not if, but how you fight matters.

Eugene: 1:09:08

Don't shut down, don't blow up, don't run and leave the house. I used to tell her all the time like look bro, like I'm not leaving and I ain't sleeping on the couch. If you mad and you want to leave the house. I used to tell her all the time like, look bro, like I'm not leaving and I ain't sleeping on the couch. If you mad and you want to leave the bed, you can leave the bed, but I'm coming to lay in the bed and and even if you try to move over and act like you don't want me to touch you, I don't care. I'm also going to touch you, and so we've never had an issue with. If you're mad, I'm still gonna hug you and you're gonna have to. You can cringe up, you can feel it whatever you want, but I'm not leaving the bed, so, um so, in closing, did you just say in closing yeah, in closing, like I'm preaching like bro did you just say that, yeah, I do think, yeah, I think this you know we've said a lot.

LaTanya: 1:09:56

We have said a lot.

Eugene: 1:09:57

I'm excited about it because someone asked the question is will communication get harder or easier when we get married? And I remember somebody asking me that question and I'm like you can't assume, being in love is enough, but you haven't developed habits of listening to each other, compromise or spiritual unity, and so a lot of times when you haven't combined your two lives together and you're functioning as as you function, I'm functioning as I'm functioning, especially if you have not lived with one another and you don't have, you know, bills and responsibilities and kids and stress and all of the other things communication has, no other. It's going to become more difficult because, I'll say this, it's going to become more complex.

Eugene: 1:10:49

You all decide whether or not it's going to become more difficult because you're talking about more stuff yeah, involves exactly both of your lives now, yeah, because marriage doesn't make communication worse, but it makes it more necessary, yeah, and so you're gonna have to make sure that you're communicating on a deeper level. You know we have said enough, so I'm just gonna pause there, and so this has been a good episode, I think that you know. Know, again, everybody kept talking to us, even in when we did a couple of marriage, uh, marriage workshops that we've done. That's been the number one question that people come up to us afterward is you know, how do we work on communication? So we wanted to make sure that we did a episode on communication, and so we will. You know, we may do a little bit more, depending on y'all can let us know.

Eugene: 1:11:38

Please, comment like share, but comment, let us know if you have any additional questions based on what we have talked about. Subscribe, share this with your friends, like we. We're really. We believe that this is something that God has purposed us to do, and we appreciate all of you that have coming up telling us that you have started to watch the podcast. We so appreciate that, um, but we would really appreciate it if you also shared it with other people. Post about it, um, on social media. Share our clips, that that we, that we have, because if it's being a blessing to you, I promise you it's probably going to be a blessing to someone else.

LaTanya: 1:12:16

Absolutely.

Eugene: 1:12:17

So again.

LaTanya: 1:12:18

So I was just going to say again we're excited about this season, we want to continue to ask the questions. So you want to get married and wife and dig deeper into that and unpack all of what will come with that. But I think for this session it's a wrap. And I saw something that said until the next time, keep communicating, keep loving and keep growing together.

Eugene: 1:12:50

All right Good. We love y'all Peace.