WE3 The Winning Team
Helping Couples Work Together To WIN At This Game Called Life!
WE3 The Winning Team
Grow Together or Drift Apart...PART 2
Ever wondered how speaking to the King or Queen in your spouse can transform your communication? WE are inviting you to a candid discussion about the art of communication in marriage—a reflection sparked by our transformative experience at the "Weekend to Remember" marriage conference. We navigate the journey from casual conversation to the depths of transparency, sharing how vulnerability crafts a sanctuary for two souls to thrive. This episode is an open book about our own communication evolution and the pivotal moments that taught us the power of nurturing words within a family.
WE have worn many hats, but perhaps the most enlightening was our role as House Parents to young moms—a chapter in our lives that exemplified the ripple effect of respectful communication. Our stories from this time not only celebrate the strength in kind words but also challenge the entrenched patterns that can silently erode the foundations of our relationships. Join us as WE dissect the habits WE have inherited and the silent dangers they pose, offering insights on how to break free from the chains of our past. It's an exploration of the tools necessary to build a bridge back to one another when distance creeps in, and a reminder that dialogue is so much more than just exchanging words.
This episode doesn't shy away from the challenges of fostering an environment where transparency is not just welcomed but celebrated. WE peel back the layers of what it means to truly listen and be present, and how our attentiveness can become the bedrock for deeper connection. From navigating relationship triggers to supporting one another in complementarity, we share the intricate dance of communication that guards against creating an atmosphere of walking on eggshells. It’s about understanding the unsaid, the power of "I feel" statements, and how every word we speak reverberates into the legacy we leave behind. So, tune in and let us guide you towards enriching your own language of love and togetherness.
Host
Eugene Gatewood
- Website - https://eugenegatewood.com
- YouTube: @Original_Mentor
- Facebook: @Eugene.Gatewood
- Instagram: @Original_Mentor
-TikTok: @elgatewood
LaTanya Gatewood
- Facebook: @LaTanya.Gatewood
- Instagram: @reddingl
Podcast Music by Micah Gatewood
Welcome to episode 9 of the winning team WE3. Winning team I'm Eugene.
Speaker 1:I'm Latonya.
Speaker 2:And we are excited to really start or continue the conversation that we had from the last episode. We were talking about attending this marriage conference, a weekend to remember, and it just was incredible, and I know we only really started by giving them a little taste of where the whole thing jumped off. So I love the fact that they started talking about communication, because communication life and death is in the power of the tongue, and so many people speak death over their marriages, over themselves. And I heard this quote again the other day and I know I've heard pastors say I think I heard him say it first, but I heard it again the other day I was listening to something on social media and the lady was talking about that, and the lady was talking about that there's a fool and a king inside of your husband and whichever one you speak to is the one that will show up. And I say the same thing for husbands there's a queen and there's a fool inside of every woman, and the one that I speak to is the one that will show up. So I've always made it my right and my responsibility to make sure that I always recognize you as a queen and talk to you in that way, but I'm not going to say that I'm perfect. And so what was great is that at this conference they talked about good communication is necessary if we want to stay on the path toward oneness, and I know that many times I've said things that has caused you to turn away from me, so that we're not facing one another, and I've done the same thing, and so today we're going to talk about a little bit about you know what good communication look like? Why does communication seem to be so difficult, or get more difficult over time? And then, are we practicing the two communic, the two keys to communication, habits that lead to understanding one another? And those were the three questions that they broke down when we were at the conference.
Speaker 2:But just to give a little synopsis of what we talked about the last time and then I'm going to throw it over to you is that I talked about the five levels of communication, because the goal of communication is to build oneness by sharing really who we are. And so if level five is transparency, that's when you're getting to the nitty-gritty of who you are. But transparency is hard for individuals, but your marriage should be the safe space where people feel like I can be a hundred% who I am, with no inhibitions, and I don't feel like I'm going to be attacked or torn down or beat down because I'm I'm being comfortable with who I am. And so, um, one of the statements, of course, that they had it says when we feel safe to share who we are, we have a better chance of experiencing oneness in our marriage. And so there's five levels again, all leading to our level five of of of transparency.
Speaker 2:But level one, when you're having two way or communication in your, in your um, in your home and in your marriage, and indicator that you're not quite to the level of of transparency. Because level one, you only really talking cliches, you only talking about um, you're not really sharing anything. That's really a non-sharing, is very surface, it's almost like a small talk, conversation that you would be having with a stranger. And then level two is when you're only sharing facts, sharing what you, what you know, how, how was your day, um, what did you do today? I went home and then I did this and I did that and I went to work and I, you know, just to sharing just facts about who you are.
Speaker 2:That's level two, again, if the goal is transparent and getting to know me. I'm not getting to know you if you're only sharing facts. Number three you're getting closer because not only are you sharing facts, but you're giving your opinion by sharing what you think about what's actually going on. And so I think that that's when I think for us there was a period of time in our marriage where we avoided opinions, but I think it was because we were trying to keep peace. But it's really false harmony, because the next level, level four, is emotions, and so when you're not sharing your opinion, which is basically what you think, then you're not sharing with me how you feel about the thing that I said, the fact that I shared, or the opinion that I share, because we're trying to make sure that we don't argue and that we don't fight, and that was many, many many, many, many years ago.
Speaker 2:We first started because you know, when you're in the honeymoon stage, you want to stay there, you want to stay in that. Oh, I love him, he loves me and I, yeah, but sooner or later you you feel like you're dying to self because you're just not happy and you don't have peace. But then, once you reach level five and you're in your marriage, like you can just share who you are and you can be open, um, and you're not really trying to avoid conflict or you're not worried about being rejected. But also we're going to talk about in a second. But it's important to make sure again that that our, our words have life, our words have power and that we're not saying it in a go back into a shell, because they're being cut down with with the words that you speak when they do become vulnerable and transparent.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think we've learned over the years. I think we've gotten we've definitely gotten better. I know you said that just a few minutes ago, um, because you're, you're absolutely right. We were in peacekeeping mode. You know you, you do you, I do me. We gonna check in a little bit and keep the peace as opposed to really, I think, even being our authentic selves, you know. So, I think, in an effort to I always let me back up, I always want home to be peace for you.
Speaker 2:Yes, amen me too.
Speaker 1:I don't ever want it to be a case and you know it's my scripture.
Speaker 2:Find it.
Speaker 1:I need to find. I'm gonna find it because we need to quote it. It's the scripture in Proverbs. Because I need to quote it? Exactly? Because it's really become a scripture that I have lived with as a wife, but it's a scripture that talks about A man would rather live on the edge of a roof Than to be in a house With a nagging wife.
Speaker 2:A quarrelsome woman.
Speaker 1:Lord Jesus, I don't want to be that, I don't want you to, rather, live on the edge of a roof and as opposed to being in a house with me. So I think that has really been A driving force with me. So I think that has really been a driving force with me.
Speaker 2:I appreciate it too.
Speaker 1:About. I'm sure you do, because I want you to be, I want home to be peaceful for you. It's enough going on in the world that this is not now a place where, because of what I'm saying to you, makes you feel like I'm good on you. So then you working more or you want to be out with other people besides me. Because of what has come out of my mouth and over the years, I've realized how my words have weight and I probably even just recently, just shared that.
Speaker 1:Even you know with you Like I'm quiet in times, and this is again. This is nothing but God. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has shut my mouth. It has been times when things have been going on and just around us that I felt like, no, I need to have an opinion on this, I need to have you know something to say about it, but I have felt the words like get caught up in my throat. So I'm like, all right, well, I'm gonna shut that. You shut that all the way down, god, because I also think he, you needed to hear from him. You didn't, and in a few situations I know specifically, you didn't need to also hear my voice too, because I don't even know if my words would have been the words that he would have.
Speaker 1:Obviously they weren't the words that he needed you to hear at that time, because he literally, like I, felt it shut up in my bones, as the old people say, but in my throat, because I also understand that what I say has weight and has power, and so you have to be. Am I being conscious of that? No, I can't say everything. I can't, because that life and death is in the power of your tongue, like that, when you really think about that and about how words have destroyed relationships, words have destroyed kids, words have destroyed kids, words have destroyed marriages, because we have chosen to, to use this, our mouth, as a, as a weapon, and so I am very careful of what comes out of my mouth to you and who I'm speaking to, because I can't live with the fool, like I need to live with the king. I need you to feel like royalty when you come in here. I do too, because I don't have time for the fool and I try not to be the fool for you, you know.
Speaker 2:I don't want to be the fool we're going to keep praying about that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, okay, no-transcript, I don't want you coming at me, cussing at me, you know, having just talking all crazy at me because that's not so, I'm not going to do that to you, and so that's where I feel that that level of respect is. I'll tell this story really quickly. I think we may have said this before talking about this. So we used to live in community with with some young moms, and so we were house parents for young moms, and so we were house parents, um, for young moms, and that was probably one of the most eye-opening experiences for us too, um, very rewarding, but also, I feel, like the the power of of words, yes, really showed me how important that is yeah, because we for five years had young moms and their kids watching us and they and our family was modeling family for them absolutely, absolutely, um, and we need to hold that because we talked about this in.
Speaker 1:I'll hold that comment, so, anyway, so we do these things called community meal. We would do community meal on Thursday, so the girls would come, we would do a meal together.
Speaker 2:Every.
Speaker 1:Thursday Every Thursday For five years. For five years, young moms, nobody was over 21. So 18 to 21-year-olds with children, so just great. So talk about ministry. But again back to the power of words. And so this one particular young lady loved her, just loved her. And she said to us sadly, she's passed away, um. She said to us, sadly, she's, she's passed away, um. But she said to us one day, she said first of all she was questioning if we was real black people y'all, and to know her.
Speaker 1:You have to love her um but, so she was like y'all not real black people because, um, we were talking, we were playing some r&b music and something y'all just turn this on when we come in.
Speaker 2:It was because we weren't the ideal picture of a black family that she had ever seen before. It wasn't dysfunctional. We weren't yelling and screaming and cussing at each other. But I'll let you continue.
Speaker 1:So then her next question to me. So, as we're sitting around community meal and we may have been talking about relationships Well, actually you were in the kitchen, because. So then her next question to me.
Speaker 2:So, as we're sitting around community meal and I don't, we may have been talking about relationships actually you were in the kitchen because she said it to me first yeah and I had to call you in there because she didn't believe me when I said it so her question to me was he never cussed you out and called you outside your name, girl? I said absolutely not he never called you no B or no like never.
Speaker 1:Never, not one time. Never, not one time.
Speaker 2:And she was asking me that question first and I kept telling her like no, she's like, you ain't just just called her no, no, I'm like no, I've never called her a garden tool, I've never called her a, b. And so she was like I don't believe you. So she was like I don't believe you, so she's like Miss Latanya, come here. And that's when she called her in and she started asking her and she just was like I can't believe that. And then her comments were still y'all ain't real black people right and it was like wait and so it's like wait.
Speaker 2:So you gotta be real black people to do that. But again, that was her lived experience. She had never 23, actually she was older, 22 years years of age, and had never experienced a family like ours before in a black family.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that was very eye opening to see and to know how to hear even someone else's lived experience. You know, because that's also that's not something I grew up in and was seeing either, and so like I was baffled that that was a question, but a lot of times that was, that was their, their method of communication. That's what a lot of these girls um saw, and even how we um even cared for them. The words that we said to to them and was able to speak into their lives really just showed me how powerful words are and to this day we still hear from some of these young ladies and how something we said to them and how we treated them was really impactful for them. But the key was what we said to them.
Speaker 2:And so, Actually, let me make a point right there because, one of the points that they made in the conference.
Speaker 2:It says many of us grow up watching communication habits that weren't healthy and not to continue to go down this road.
Speaker 2:But I think this is just a great, great example of if you're, if you grew up in an environment and you're, the communication that you're witnessing is not healthy, but it becomes what's normal to you. Then you will go out into the world and duplicate that and not realize that there's something else that's better or something else that could work differently for you. And and we kind of talked about that in the last episode where you know you might become a person that holds it all in, based on what you saw. You may become a person that yells and scream, based on what you saw, um, you may become a person that interrupts, ramble on or just argue, and always on a defensive mode, based on what you saw, and, and what happens is that you're in a constant state of fighting, um, but you never get to the point of actually resolving the issues and the concerns that you have. And, um, it could be detrimental to your relationship. And and here's the other reality is that a lot of times in marriages we don't even know why we do what we do and but because it became normal to us, because that's what all we knew growing up. Then we just continue to repeat a cycle.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and what?
Speaker 1:I'm sorry oh, go ahead. I think, too, one of the things like back to something that you said a little bit earlier and even we mentioned, I think, in the last episode, I think silence is deadly in terms, so yeah, so I think when you go silent in your marriage, it is a converse.
Speaker 2:Silence is a conversation.
Speaker 1:It's a conversation, and it's usually a pretty loud conversation, and if you don't find ways to break the silence, then I think that that continue, that isolation grows deeper than what you expected, and so that's a good point, and I'm gonna go there for a second.
Speaker 2:Because when you silent, what happens is that's when you start to drift apart. And so if you imagine being close but you're silent, and then before you look up, you realize that you have drift further and further away. And as you drift away, and then you decide that you have drift further and further away and as you drift away, and then you decide that you do want to talk, you got to talk louder and it takes so much more effort and energy in order to be able to come close again. And so it makes great sense to that. When you're close together, if you're having, even if it's one disagreement, don't allow the silence to to create this humongous, you know, chasm in between you, because it will become so much harder.
Speaker 2:And this is a great segue to this quote. It says the single biggest illusion and, I'm sorry, the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that is actually taking place. Yeah, and I think that's the thing. When you're silent, or if you're just yelling and screaming and arguing, and then you do something to make you feel better, but you never deal with the root cause of it, it could get pretty hard in your marriage and I think it becomes in back a little bit to the silence point, like you begin to create a narrative.
Speaker 1:That's probably not true, because the person is, because you're not talking, because you're not communicating, and so the illusion becomes in what's in your mind and what you have created or what you're talking to somebody else about yeah what you're talking to somebody and, as a man, I'll speak from a man's perspective, not for all men, but, just again, just giving a perspective.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it's very difficult for us to share, it's very difficult for us to use our words, and if the goal is to work toward transparency and and I decide, as a man, that I'm going to be transparent what has to happen is that there has to be a and I appreciate you saying that you want me to have peace at home, because what you've done is that you've created a safe space for me, which has encouraged me to be transparent y'all, I wasn't ready for all of this.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be honest about that, because Brumman is usually quiet. I always know. So I always know when there's something that's going on in this beautiful mind of his, because, again, he's silent, but it's almost like I can see the wheels turning. I can, I can see when he is like deep in thought and I'm like all right, what's on your mind? I don't know, or he might say it's a or whatever, um, but I would say COVID um has caused. My husband and we spent a lot of time, as most of us did. We were a lot of time with each other in COVID. So COVID either was a win for some or not so, or lose for others. But COVID was a win for us. It was a win. It was a win for us. We practiced transparency a lot in COVID.
Speaker 2:We did.
Speaker 1:And so he was sharing and I just had to say, OK, I'm at my capacity for the day. I did not say that you cannot share again, because I was like, all right, all right, husband, but again it's like what happened is that?
Speaker 2:I just again I know I've shared this before, but I just I really was taking time to think about why do I do the things that I do? Why do I think the things that I think? Why do I feel the way that I feel? What did I experience when I was growing up that made me be who I am today? And is that right? And is there are there ways and and and and? Are there things that are holding me back from becoming my full self and who God is calling me to be in this season? And so once I started to do that, some of the things that that I've experienced, that I've repressed for 20 plus years, 30 plus years, started to come back. And so when that stuff started to come up, I would just say I remember when and I would just share.
Speaker 1:But out the blue y'all we wasn't even talking.
Speaker 2:I was like all right, I'm listening.
Speaker 1:All right, god, but it's very important to listen carefully.
Speaker 2:I think that that's the thing, and so, when we are trying to create a safe space, here's another thing that I'm that I'm working on that they said in the conference, because a lot of times, we're distracted by our phones. We're distracted by whatever it is that you're distracted by, and I know our phones and social media and all these other things are. The reasons are that maybe the tv, netflix, your favorite show, whatever it is and this is something that I said when I was sitting there is that I said I'm gonna start to listen with my eyes and I'm going to start looking at her, because, you know, a lot of times it could be my phone, it could be TV, it could be a basketball game. I, I'm listening, but I'm not fully giving my full attention because I'm being distracted, and so I want to listen to her in a way that she feels that I'm I'm connected to her and giving her my undivided attention. That's something that she that she deserves, and so I think can I say something right there?
Speaker 1:I think we have, um, you have definitely done a better job with that in the in the past few years. Like I can see your intentionality with it. Because I think what? Then I began to do like if, if we were talking and he was on his phone, then what I did was pick it up, that same habit like uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, because that's how we started communicating with each other. And then I would sometimes be like are you listening to me? He's like, yeah, I hear you. Like, but you're on your phone, you're not. But then I realized I was beginning to do the same thing and even though I didn't like it, when he was doing that to me, I now said, okay, well, and it probably some subconsciously somewhere was like well, if that's how you talking, then that's how I'm gonna, I'm going to talk. So it really took some um, I like their. They said listen with your face, with your face.
Speaker 1:I'm like dang with your whole face, like your whole face, listen it takes transparency to look into somebody's eyes.
Speaker 1:It takes transparency and we're often uncomfortable with that, and so that was very powerful to me to say listen with your, with your face, because often we talk about, you know, listening, listen to me, listen to me, but listening takes all of this. That's why your ears are connected to your face, so that you can, and your eyes are connected to your face so that you're looking with some, to someone and you can now hear them, and even there's now what comes out of your mouth, like all of this, all this head part is very important to communication and I'm, and I'm a naturally curious person.
Speaker 2:So when I'm, when I am truly engaged in a conversation, I mean I almost feel like it's a gift from God that I'll hear, I'll discern, I'll discern what's not being said and and what you, what, what did you mean by a statement or a body motion? Or because I'm payingbing my wife of the opportunity to benefit from how God has made me and even gifted me when I'm not fully engaged. And so what happened is that when we start having a conversation now she doesn't always like this either, but you, it's very hard to say something to me. And when I'm really engaged and I'm have a 5,000 question, a question to come back, because it's it's just that you know, I'm curious. I wonder why she thought that. I wonder why she did it that way. I wonder, I wonder how she truly feels about that, cause she, she gave me a fact and she even gave me an opinion, but she didn't give me the emotion behind it. How'd that make you feel? And so, in relationship, when you, when you're being transparent, sometimes as the spouse, you have to create that environment by asking a question.
Speaker 2:Now, the key thing is this when she's coming to me, this is another great style of communication that I learned, not just recently, but I realized that we've been practicing, that is, that I had to resist the urge to fix the situation that she was bringing to me, because sometimes, you know, I'm like, oh, that's easy, just do this. And she like no, I really just want to vent, I just want to get this out. I know what I'm, what I'm going to do, but but I'm out in this world and I don't have the opportunity to vent and I don't have an opportunity to have this safe space to be transparent, so I just need to get it out. And sometimes, as men and even some women nowadays are fixers and so they're like, just do this, and then what that does is it causes us to minimize how they feel and minimize what they need in the moment.
Speaker 2:And so I've really worked hard to be a listener, and I love the scripture um where in a James, where he says to be you know, uh, everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. And so if you notice that quick to listen and slow to speak if you're quick to listen, that means you're listening, slow to speak, that means that you're also listening again. And then I don't take it personally, no matter what she says, because it's not about me. And so I had to get better, because I told y'all I'm an interrupter, so I had to get better at being slow to speak so that I don't interrupt her. But I'm listening and and I want y'all well, I'm not gonna tell you that, but I want you. Well, I'll skip, I'm not going to tell you that, but I want you to. Well, I'll skip that, I'll come back later.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, and I think you have. You are definitely. You've done a tremendous job with that husband. Thank, you.
Speaker 1:Because I remember in the beginning, like it was probably someday. Now let me tell you all I said this last time. I am a verbal processor. I'm an emotional processor too, which I think I've gotten better over the years, but it was something. I was probably in some work crisis or career crisis or something, and I was sharing with him and I can remember, just like breaking down in the middle of probably our kitchen here I don't know where, it was At this house, not at this house.
Speaker 1:No, um, but I remember saying I don't want you to fix it, I need you to listen, and I think it stunned you for a minute, like oh, no stringwood.
Speaker 1:I remember that a lot happened on stringwood stringwood was, we'll have to tell you stringwood season this is. That's the streamwood season, that's what we should call it. But I'm like, I just need you to listen, I don't need you to fix me, I don't want to be fixed, I want to be heard, I want to be seen and um, and you heard that and so that I, you know, I appreciate and that and that goes to point number two, because after you create a safe space to encourage transparency then it talked about that you have to create a safe space to express the transparency.
Speaker 2:So you listen carefully and that's what encourages it. And then, once we get to the point of expressing clearly, that's when we actually are sharing in a way that we can be heard. I love, I love this thought. It said the goal they were talking about, the goal of every conversation. So if you think about this, when you're, when you're trying to create a safe space to express transparency and you're saying the goal of every conversation is for one, I want them to understand that I love you and I accept you as you are and I was like man. That's so good, because in a conversation, if it's a transparent conversation, you should get to the point that, even if I say something sideways that um cause that one of the other couples also kind of talked about this If I say something that I probably really didn't think before I spoke, and that's to you when a young lady was talking about, have I ever called you out of your name?
Speaker 2:It's like no, because one, I love and respect her. So I'm not just going to say something, but two I'm going to think about. And back then I didn't necessarily pray all the way through, but um, before I said it. But I always would at least think about what I was going to say before I said it. And when you're thinking about it, that's when you can say okay, how can I say this in a way that I she will know that I love her regardless of what's happening in this situation, even if I'm mad, and how will she know that I accept her as who she is? Because I think when you, when you love somebody and you accept them as they are, then you don't have a goal in a conversation of winning or changing who they are or getting them to change their behavior. But my goal whenever you're talking is my goal is to get an understanding. I'm trying to say why? Why does she think like that.
Speaker 2:So that's why I'm always staying curious, because I'm having a conversation with you, to figure out, like, what did I do to make her? Why is she this mad and what can I learn from this? To make sure that I don't say and or do anything again that would, that would hurt her in this way this pro Proverbs, proverbs 20 and five kind of speaks to that which is so good.
Speaker 1:I love when we discover new things in the Bible, even though it ain't new. But listen, scripture will get you right. Proverbs I love Proverbs. I love Proverbs. If you want to know some life application, read Proverbs because it will get you right. Right, but it says a person's thoughts are like water in a deep well, but someone with insight can draw them out.
Speaker 2:So I think proverbs 20 and 5 20 and 5.
Speaker 1:Yes, I proverbs 20 and 5. So I think that's to your point of that, that pausing and being curious and wanting to know why was that said and how do you now connect with me to be able to pull that out and to be able to get that insight?
Speaker 2:but that all takes intentionality it does in proverbs 12 and 18 also says the words of the reckless pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. So you have to think about what are. My especially especially is please y'all hear me. This is something that really I keep saying and I may have said it before, but what's amazing to me is that some people say I couldn't help it. They made me mad, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 2:When you're out in the street, when you're in the grocery store, when you at work and someone does something your boss does something to make you mad, there, for some reason, we're able to have restraint, but when we get home, to our wife and to our husband and to our kids, for some reason that restraint goes out the door and out the window. The crazy part is again, I say it all the time but the people who know me the most and the know me the most should love me the best. So the people who love me, know me the best, should love me the most, and that's because you should be using your words in a way that does not tear them down and tear them apart, because your war sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me, that's a lie from the pit of hell, because not only do they hurt, linger At least.
Speaker 2:If you smash my finger or hit me, even upside the head, it'll hurt until it heals, and then, when it heals, it doesn't hurt no more. I may have a scar, but words can just. You can continue to replay them in your mind over and over and over again, and it not only can hurt you, but generations later it'll still be speaking and hurting.
Speaker 1:Let me get one more Proverbs to this, Proverbs 7 and 24 says listen to me and be attentive to the words of my mouth. Yes, and so, again, like your mouth. I feel like the Bible talks so much about your mouth and what comes out of your mouth.
Speaker 2:I'm going to give you another one Proverbs 21 and 23. If you want to stay out of trouble, be careful of what you say. Be careful what you say. And so if you're a person and I think that anger, I praise God, the anger has never been an issue for us, but I love that it talked about.
Speaker 2:You know a way to uh, some tips if you're, if you're angry, and how to avoid it is pay attention to the tone of your body language.
Speaker 2:So you know, sometimes you have to be very intentional even before you go in, like how can I say this?
Speaker 2:And even once we got back, we shared this and you know, we, we there's some, you know, playfully I shouldn't say playfully Sometimes she says things that irritate me, sometimes I say things that irritate her and it causes a reaction, it triggers, and I'll talk about triggers in a second. But when we got back, every time I would say something that would trigger her, or she would say something that triggered me is that, before we reacted or responded, we would just say can you say that in a different way? And we laughed because that was one of the tips that one of the couples at this conference said is just just tell your spouse to can, can you say that in a different way, and that'll give them indication that the way you said that maybe the tone wasn't right or maybe you was mean or you used some words that that was insulting. But but one thing I want to say about triggers, and this some of y'all may may be mad about this, but triggers are your responsibility.
Speaker 1:I don't say more.
Speaker 2:I will. So if, if I say something that triggers you, yes, you can ask me to say it in another way, but you're gonna have to do some work yourself. You're gonna have to do some introspection to ask, hey, why did that trigger me, why did that make me mad? What about that? See, I can't ask those. I may be thinking that when we're talking, but I'm not gonna ask those questions. But it behooves all of us that if we're triggered, if something constantly makes us mad, if that sock on the ground causes you to be so angry, like, think about the thing that in your relationship that just drives you crazy. Like you know, she used to punch me because I left the light on. I mean.
Speaker 2:I don't know why yeah, I share this story all the time, but, but my truth is, is that what it? What is it that triggers you? You have to ask yourself because, uh, why does that trigger you? Why does that make you so upset? Because if you don't answer those questions for yourself and get to the root cause of it, it's going to continue to trigger you.
Speaker 2:I don't have the power to control what triggers you. I don't even know. I should not be expected to walk around on eggshells in our relationship constantly trying to figure out man, should I say this or can I say that? Because that's not creating a safe space to encourage transparency. If I'm constantly walking around trying not to offend you, then that means that you may be harboring some bitterness and unforgiveness in you that may have nothing to do with me, that may come from your childhood or your relationship with a parent, and so for us. That's why counseling and clinical counseling is also important. But but stop putting that weight and the responsibility of that on your spouse, because it's not something that they absolutely will have control over.
Speaker 1:And then I think, like it goes to the point of a few things that come up in in our session that I think we kind of took to with. That is that the first 40 seconds of a communicate, of a conversation, is pretty crucial, and so that means that you got to take that minute to think before you speak because you don't know again that those triggers you know, you don't you? You don't if you, if you've thought about this and you know you're coming from a good place, um, the what comes out of your mouth in that first 40 second should ideally be received, but sometimes it's not, if it's in the, in the heat of a moment, or like you angry, or you hungry, and now you want to have this conversation or we talk a lot about. I'm not going to have an in-depth conversation as I'm walking out the house because I'm already late for work already.
Speaker 1:So knowing that time and knowing and asking if this is the right time or when the right time is, is really important, because those things, if, if you're not thinking about that, that then I think can uprise the, the triggers you know, or even what you say. You know if you start with you always, um, doing this or you'll never do that. Or um, every time I ask you you know, because that's how we do we say all of those times, and so, immediately when you go to never, every time, always. Now I'm mad, now I'm on the defense, now I got to be defensive like, no, I don't always, I just did this. And then now you are now turning to them to now do the will you always do this and you don't never do, and you never.
Speaker 1:I'll ask you to do this five times and you don't never do this all words to avoid, all words to avoid, because those are things that awaken those, those defensiveness and awakens, I think, even those triggers. And so, again, thinking carefully about what you're saying, not living on eggshells, thinking carefully about it, being honest, like and honestly goes a long way, and again, I think we've learned that over the years. Um, I think again we were, we were in this space of let's keep harmony, let's keep peace, and so often that wasn't, that didn't give us a space to also be honest.
Speaker 2:I agree and I think that I think two things. So when, when having a conversation, when we're talking about triggers again, we have to think sometimes, or most of the time, when those triggers are happening, it's not what I said, it's how what I said made you feel which is still good like it's important to get to the emotion of the conversation, but you got to ensure that what I said is what I meant and therefore you didn't just interpret it in order to and you're responding back to how it made you feel. But in order to do that, instead of using those words like always, never and every time, then a strategy to get past that and to have the conversation, you can say I feel like, when this, this, this happens, then that that makes me feel this way, and then that gives them a person an opportunity to respond to that they also talked about I think it was Fabian, mr and Mrs Fabian. They talked about what they often talk about is expose the lie, expose the lie, and so here's what they mean by that when he says something or she says something that triggers them in her mind, she will say how do I feel about that? I feel like he don't love me, so then she, they'll, she will or he will stop the conversation like all right, let's expose the lie, because you got to understand.
Speaker 2:We don't wrestle against flesh and blood. Your, your spouse, is not the enemy. But the enemy will whisper things in your ear oh, she only did that because she, if she cared about you, if he cared about you, he would have really did that. That's a lie like that's we know. We have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in this marriage that that we have, are we on the same team? We have each other's best interest in mind. So when you start thinking stuff like oh, he don't love me, she don't love me, they don't want me to be at home, they don't want me to be happy, they always this you have to expose the lie. And you expose the lie by saying when you say that or when you do this, I feel that you don't love me. Now, and that automatically gets the person on. Now I pray that that one of you, whoever's hearing that would then be able to do the same thing, can affirm like no baby, that's not true, I absolutely love you, but I feel that. And now you're all of a sudden coming to an understanding and you can, you're able to now have a conversation, um, while you're expressing your emotions, but you're moving toward transparency. This last quote I love gary.
Speaker 2:He said we've come to believe that real communication occurs when we understand another person's words. But true communication usually doesn't occur until each other understands the feelings behind the words. Vital and so important that when we're having a conversation and we're trying to move toward the place of transparency, that you have to practice a good strategy around the communication. Because if we're not able to have a, a conversation where we're both seeking to understand as opposed to winning, or as opposed to uh, and sometimes, to be honest, some people really do try to hurt someone's feelings and they say things, um, to intentionally hurt somebody's feelings, but that's when you speak into the fool. But you're supposed to speak to the king and the queen, because every conversation that you're having, the goal is to not only to love them but to absolutely continue to be in one and and, as I'm talking, we should be moving closer together, um, as opposed to drifting apart.
Speaker 2:All right, that was good. I think we had a lot, but I think here's the thing we, we, we again, we still haven't even like only touched the surface of this, and so I'm excited about the next episode, because in the next episode we'll go a little bit deeper into considering the three purposes that God has for marriage. And so in our next episode coming up soon, we will dig into the three purposes that God has, because God's purpose for us is to be one. But these are some pretty good strategies to help us. You know, in our marriage we're trying to be one, as opposed to allowing the enemy to cause us to drift apart.
Speaker 1:Because he will Amen.
Speaker 2:You got some rapid fire for me today.
Speaker 1:I do have a rapid fire. I was going to give you another question, but I'll do a rapid fire for you today. All right, rapid fire. So I'm going to throw out some words, words.
Speaker 2:Words. We've been talking about communication.
Speaker 1:we've been talking about the power you know I need time to think no, no, rapid, this is why it's called rapid fire. Okay, and I really only have like two words. Maybe I might have a third one, maybe, all right. So here's, here's the question or here's the words.
Speaker 2:All right, talk understand hmm, okay, words loving okay, communication effective okay, that's all I got, okay, I do have a question for you, yeah, you know, because she always the one putting me on the spot and so we have this game that's called the and game, and this is a phenomenal game where we often you know, here's what I do when we're going on dates sometimes I do homework and I do prep work before our date nights, and so this end game has a lot of phenomenal questions that you can um, that you can listen and talk, talk about while you're on your date. There's no need to just go on a date, and then I mean, of course, we have great conversation without them, but sometimes these are great conversation starters and, uh, I always appreciate these questions, and so, um, here's a good question how do we complement each other, and how has that changed over time?
Speaker 1:that's a good question. Um, how do we complement one another? Um, I would say one way we compliment one another. I think we've seen this a lot in parenting, where, um, and I think it goes back to the rhythm of us, and so we know that, all right, you up today because, depending on whatever the conversation has been, sometimes he needs to hear from you and sometimes he needs to hear from me, or we're now like all right, you said it this way, now I need to come back in and say it a different way, but I think we we never really I feel like we don't talk about it all the time, but it just we feel it, we feel it and it just happens. So I think, again, to be in rhythm, um, back to that rhythm that we talked about, um, is one way that we, we complement, uh, one another yeah, I think that we do a good job of um supporting each other where needed.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I think that it's sometimes you need me to be silent, but then there's sometimes where you know you may need an encouraging word and, whether you want to hear it or not, I think that that's something that you know we can discern in the moment and share. But how we compliment each other, something that you know we can discern in the moment and share, but how we complement each other, is that you know, I appreciate that you are the prayer. You lift us up, lift our home up and each other up and all of us up in prayer, and those prayers are felt and you know, I kind of am the, the coach. You know I kind of am the coach, and so there's some times where you need to be coached and there's other times where you need to be pushed, and so we just, I think, perfectly discern what we need as individuals, what we need as a couple and even as parents, in order to move us forward.
Speaker 1:I agree with that Amen.
Speaker 2:So it's a good episode. I'm excited, so thank you all for tuning in, as always. Like share, subscribe, leave a comment, like what are some of the things that any questions that y'all may have, please share with other people. You know someone who's married, thinking about getting married or moving toward it, but we love and appreciate all the support and until next time, peace.
