WE3 The Winning Team
Helping Couples Work Together To WIN At This Game Called Life!
WE3 The Winning Team
The Dating Game: Insights, Challenges, & a Christian Perspective
Ready to rethink your dating game? Brace yourself as this episode of the WE3 Winning Team Podcast promises to challenge your current beliefs and practices about dating and relationships since the 1900's (Smile).
WE compare the modern dating landscape with our experiences back in the '90s. WE delve into how technology, particularly dating apps, have changed the game and how societal pressures and cultural influences impact Christian dating.
Having been married for 21 years, WE've weathered storms and navigated through the highs and lows of our relationship. WE share anecdotes from our journey and discuss the importance of compatibility, setting boundaries, self-love, and self-awareness in relationships. We also throw light on the significant influence of societal and cultural pressures on Christian dating. Our candid conversations about the challenges our 18 year old son faced underline the need for a change in perspective while dating in a post-Christian society.
Sharing wisdom from our personal experiences and a Christian perspective, WE conclude this episode with key takeaways for those navigating the world of dating and relationships. WE touch on the importance of healing past traumas and seeking professional help to avoid distorted views of relationships.
To add a pinch of humor, WE also share a quirky habit that still annoys us after two decades of married bliss.
Tune in for this enriching conversation on dating and relationships; you might find a new perspective on finding 'the one'.
Host
Eugene Gatewood
- Website - https://eugenegatewood.com
- YouTube: @Original_Mentor
- Facebook: @Eugene.Gatewood
- Instagram: @Original_Mentor
-TikTok: @elgatewood
LaTanya Gatewood
- Facebook: @LaTanya.Gatewood
- Instagram: @reddingl
Podcast Music by Micah Gatewood
Test, test Testing.
Eugene:And three, two. Welcome to the episode four. Four of the winning team Podcasts. I am Eugene.
LaTanya :I am Latanya.
Eugene:And we doing this again this way. That's what we doing.
LaTanya :Yes, we're doing yeah so.
Eugene:I'm excited because this time, you know, we've been talking about marriage, we've been talking about expectations, we've been talking about dating. Well, no, this episode we're gonna talk about dating, and so last month we kind of talked about the Expectations and how to pick them. But we had a question for you to start off, because dating now is completely different than what it was Back in the day and even as, of course, talking to my son, he told me my dating advice don't work.
LaTanya :Yes.
Eugene:So so what would you say are the biggest differences in dating now versus back in the 1990s, the 1900s, 1900s when you were dating?
LaTanya :the late hundreds, 1900s, 94, 34, anyway. Yeah, I think it's a. The years are different, but I think technology has such a big impact on dating right now. I was talking with a friend earlier today and she screenshot because she's single and you know, once is ready to date. So she was trying to dating apps and so One of the things she sent to a screenshot it said Non monogamy.
LaTanya :That was what the person's description of themselves were, that they were kind of in a relationship with somebody. They was trying different things and so maybe they could be monogamous, but maybe not. She was like what am I to do with this? She's a Christian, she has a desire to be married. She said but what do you do with that? And I had no advice for her, because that wasn't what Dating looked like for us. There was no app. You know there was. You had a pager and we all Pager, but there wasn't this. You had to spend the time To get to know someone. You know you couldn't be behind Social media and I think it. It has. Its, from what I'm hearing, the dating apps and technology has its benefits to dating. But I also think you know some of that Authentic, some of that seeing people in the flesh and engaging them in the flesh can be Lost in that way, but I know they're calling you a boomer now.
Eugene:You know you sounded oh listen, I am.
LaTanya :That's call me calling what it is right now because I don't, you know, I don't fully understand, but I also think that there there are some benefits.
Eugene:Before you Invest a lot of time with someone, you can do this via an app or via a phone and Cut people before you have to and that's exactly what I'm thinking about, even the example that you just gave, because, historically for us, you would have had to go on a couple dates with that do before you figured out that that was his, those were his values and that's what he wanted to do. So I think I think it's. I mean, statistics are showing that many people are using dating apps nowadays and they're working, yeah, and they're finding success and they're finding love, because, for people who are serious about it and they're being transparent within the app, you can cut through all of the red tape and you can find somebody. Because I remember when dating apps first came out, I was, you know, very averse to him. Like now, that's crazy, but now it's like huh, like you can cut through all of that and, talking to people that I know that are single, and they just start to explain it.
Eugene:It was like I can find out what they like, what they don't like. Are they serious? Are they? Are they really not dating but courting, but looking for, you know, a serious relationship, and so you can. You can Get through all the small talk and some of the things that may take you a little bit longer to figure out. So in that instance I could see. But that's, that's one of the pros, because but I would say from a calm perspective People be lying first of all.
LaTanya :People be lying in real life.
Eugene:They can they absolutely can, they absolutely can. But what I'm saying is that it's it's even more deceptive Sometimes because you can see on On the dating app and they will put up and create this entire lifestyle and make you believe that you know it's one thing, but then it's not. And so you could, you can go and try to be with somebody off of some false pretenses and then it don't work out. But of course you, you know again, back in our day you had that too.
Eugene:You had people who sent their representative, as we used to say, and and they were exactly who you, they thought you wanted them to be until you know you found out. But I think in this world of technology, I think comparison is a big issue as well, because At least when, when you were dating someone back in the day, you had to take the time To get to know them. And so with social media and comparison, you now have distractions Because sometimes you know back then you were forced to give a person a chance, yeah, to get to know who they were, to see if you like them, because it took a couple times. But now you can be with somebody and then they post something you like, hold on, like who is this person, and immediately you don't want to be with them anymore. Or that you could be Filling a person, y'all could be vibing, and then now they on social media, and because they saw a picture of somebody else or you know, and now all of a sudden they're distracted and they want to go and be over to that person. But I don't, sorry I was going to say, but I think also what happened is that Because of comparison, I think Expectations have gone through the roof, because people now are posting perfect, they're them, perfect, their perfect self. And so when a person is looking on the app, you see a person, who, who, has no flaws, quote-unquote. And so now your comparison and now your expectations. Like, wait, if they taking that, they just took her on a trip on the first day, oh, that's my expectation now. Or they did this or that for him, or this or that for her.
Eugene:And and now the regular dude, as I said, don't have a chance. I was, I was listening to a post and they were asking a young lady like what's her expectation? And so she went down a line six foot, you know he needs to be this, he's being shaped, he needs to be this. And then she said, oh, he needs to make six figures, and you know he needs to be tall, dark and handsome. And went down the list and they were just kind of like okay, well, what do you think the average man makes in this country? And you don't understand that. You just described the top one percent of people in the world one percent in the world. And then you said that you would like him to be African-American or black as well. So now your one percent just went from From even lower than that, statistically speaking, not to say that you know that you know black men aren't making six figures.
Eugene:I'm not saying that, but I'm saying, statistically speaking, your numbers just went down even more. So now you have and she said, all her friends are like that. So if they're a microcosm of the world, you got all of these women looking for this percentage of man that's less than one percent of the population in the world, and so where does that leave the guy that is is thriving to, to be successful, and you don't expectation.
LaTanya :Yeah, the struggle, I think the struggle is real with that. You know, like it, and for me, I think, like, where does it come from? When I say the struggle is real, I think that's the struggle is real for that young man, you know because and so, ladies, I'm not bashing us or anything like that, but I think it becomes. Now you won't be able to see potentially this person's potential because of all, of all of what has been created, your ideal self has been created on On social media, or I think, just even the imagery and Again, the, the post, that that you see, like, for example, the list you know, this list, this first date list that went out and Like it was yeah, and we a little about a month behind on this conversation, but but I think it's so.
LaTanya :I Think it speaks to the time that we're in, you know. So things like If you had taken me back in the day, especially when we was 21, 22, you took me to Cheesecake Factory. First of all, we had no money.
Eugene:We was going to Cheesecake Factory.
LaTanya :That was like.
Eugene:Well, I had a little money. Tell us the word about that one day.
LaTanya :Oh yeah, so yeah, that was a good day. That was a good day. We went to like five different places. We went play putt-putt golf.
Eugene:We picked you up in the morning.
LaTanya :We went to breakfast we went to putt-putt golf we went to. I don't even remember where else we went.
Eugene:It must not have been that memorable.
LaTanya :No, it was memorable I know.
Eugene:We went to breakfast and we went somewhere, then we went to lunch and then we might have went to the movies, and then we went to dinner and then, I think, we went to the arcade and then I took you home.
LaTanya :And one day you was balling because you liked this to me.
Eugene:I just couldn't believe I wanted to be with you that long, all day long. That was crazy, but anyway.
LaTanya :But I think that so this whole conversation around this list and where you can and can't go on this first day, and that this, now this person that always was made out to this young man or older than man, whoever old he was, was just a horrible person Because you went to a cheesecake factory. And so I'm always just concerned about when you can have expectations, but and don't lower your expectations.
LaTanya :And don't lower your expectations at all, like I am all for that, but I think there's a difference between the expectation and the list, and so that list can get you in trouble. I think, like, because now, what happens when? If you have all these things on the list and he can give you, he can provide I'm going to just speak from the woman's perspective If he can provide all these things that's on your list, take you on the trips, take you to the five-star hotels, take you to the Michelin restaurants but what if he a fool, though? And so now you've gotten all of these things, he's gotten you with all of the things, he's wooed you in with all of the things, but now he's a plum fool. Then what happens with that?
Eugene:And, I think, the list. I want to know what's the motivation of the list and I have this theory, and I'm sticking to it, that the expectations that we have of a mate it develops when you are a preteen.
LaTanya :Oh, absolutely.
Eugene:And when you have that and you think about this is what you want, because this is your ideal person, but that's what you like, but is that what's best for you? And so we make lists of things that we want when we're trying to determine who we're going to date. But then we have to figure out what's best for you, and I use us as a prime example, because I often ask you why did you stay? Because I tell you about, we just talked about the date, the six dates in one. But when we really break down, one of the first times we got together where I was like you know what? Now I'm going to take care to see my family. Lord, jesus, help me. Can y'all pray for me? And we drive in.
Eugene:And I'm like, oh, I love my mom, I love my family. No shade at all. But I'm just describing our lived experience. This is what happened, and when I pulled up, I'm like, hold on, was the police there already? They were. The police was at my grandmother's house and I'm like stay in the car, I'll be right back. And I had to run up there and break up a fight, and so the crazy part about that is I wasn't even embarrassed. I came back to the car and you remember what I said to you. I said I shrugged my shoulders and I was like this is my family, take it or leave it. Like this is who I am.
Eugene:Like, I'm not embarrassed about this, this is who I am. I hate that you saw it on the first one of the first times we ever went out, but is she gonna try to play it all calm and cool and collective and I'm sure, as soon as she got?
LaTanya :home. Oh, I did Like they was fighting. Like what in the world, Grandma? They was fighting at grandma house. Like what in the world. I surely, I surely did, but then it's not only that.
Eugene:It's like you used to always say, like I had female friends, and then it was the one time I took you to an event and I don't know why you were so afraid.
LaTanya :I'm like ain't nobody gonna do nothing to you, while you're here with me, Hold on, let me tell the story. Let me tell the story. It was an event and I'm we're calling an event.
Eugene:Right.
LaTanya :And so it was an event that is not where I normally would hang out. Let's just put it in those terms.
Eugene:She throwing shade on my neighborhood. I am not. I am not.
LaTanya :I am not. I am saying that's not where I would normally hang out. That's what I said, and so when I rolled up and walked through the event if looks could heal from these- individuals. The visuals of the female persuasion. I would have been there right now and I would not be on this podcast with y'all right now. I would not have let anybody do anything to me, and so it was kind of like and who is she and why she walking up through here? They just never see me date with nobody on a date.
LaTanya :And you know certain I'm not gonna even say how I normally tell the story, but people been fighting all day, days and I'm not a fighter. So let me just say that the people that they probably been fighting, like all my life I had to fight kind of deal, and all my life that's not what I had to do.
LaTanya :And so I had to tell them. When we got back in that car I said hey, doc, don't you roll me up in here, no more, I don't got none of my people with me. These are your people, don't do this no more, but then another one. Oh, it's the other one.
Eugene:Cause. Then when you were coming to my house that one night and we pulled up and I was like hey, the ex-girlfriend is there.
Eugene:Hey, my ex-girlfriend card that's her card is in the driveway and she was like just take me home. I was like, no, it's cool, I'm like she probably here to see my mama or she probably here to see my best friend, cause my best friend lived with me at the time. I said she ain't here to see me, but she here, and so she was like take me home. My point is is that you came in, we played Monopoly all night long, and I do like her.
Eugene:And it was a great. It was a great night. But my point is is that now think about this. Nowadays, half of y'all that's listening to this is like flag on the play, all of y'all like red flag. But now we've been together 28 years. We've been married for 21. Why did what made you stay, Like out of all those red flags? You still stayed around, because a lot of times we're talking about dating like people would be out nowadays.
Eugene:I might have been out nowadays, cut off spirit is strong, but what was it that caused you to say cause I think a lot of people may miss out on their happily ever after because they cut off so quickly, but it was something that caused you to not go. What was that?
LaTanya :I think it was my. Even though those were situations, let's call them that.
LaTanya :Let's call them that. That wasn't my initial experience with you, like that was not my ongoing experience with you. My experience with you was we go, let's go hang out. We were on campus, I was able to see you outside of those isolated incidents and so I'm like, okay, I liked you before those situations so I can now say, all right, I'm gonna get this potential.
LaTanya :The fight and the events that I went to I'm air quoting the event those were kind of out of your control. But depending on how the ex-girlfriend situation would have went, we might be having a different conversation. But still, even with all of that being said, that wasn't my experience with you. My experience with you up to that point had been nothing. But you showing up as you, you authentically being you, you gave me nothing to say I don't know. And even though my radar was up I think you should go into that beginning stages of dating, and a radar up is probably I'm gonna use that for right now. But you go in like I'm not gonna be in love tomorrow, but I wanna get to know who you are. I'm trying to get a feel for you. Do I, we a fit? What is what's going really? What's going on? And I have began to learn those things prior to those situations.
Eugene:So when you have a list, cause I think again when I say people think about what's best for them versus what's on their list and expectations, again, don't lower them. You need to have them. But sometimes it takes time and some people genuinely make mistakes, and so sometimes it does take time in order to figure that out. Now you have to know your own situation, cause I'm not trying to tell you to stay around when some people are acting a plump fool, because God absolutely tells us that man judges the outward appearance, but we should be judging the inward. And so I'm not trying to tell you to stay alone, stay around. But I do wanna. I do believe that sometimes we have a tendency to cut off people and or situations way too fast.
LaTanya :Yeah, I agree with that. It's funny we talked to our kid about that cause he has the ultimate of a cut off spirit he will cut you off in a minute.
LaTanya :You show any little sign of anything, he cut you immediately cut you off, and so we've been trying to talk through how do you navigate some of that, like how do you see someone's potential? But also be alert, because people will show you cause then we were also teaching him. People will show you how to treat them and how they're gonna treat you. They're gonna show you that you need to teach them how to treat you Right you gotta teach them how to treat you.
LaTanya :And so there are some things that is going on. After you've given people this space in this dating scene and they're still showing you who they are and that does not work for you. It is okay to say exit, stage left and be good with that, because I think a lot of times we try to make situations work and then you're in this space of trying to make it work when really you should have just let it go, because now you're sacrificing you. You're sacrificing, you're not even being fair to that person. At the end of the day, you're really not being fair to that person, especially if they are like continuously showing you who they are. Then it don't work for you. Be gone, be done, let that, because you might be blocking them from whoever is really a good fit for them and you may be missing out on who is really for you.
Eugene:So what's interesting let's stay there for a second is I'm thinking about our son, so one the advice that we give him as parents of a boy dad. But also I won't say that I was necessarily a Christian, because I might've been a professed Christian, but I wasn't a practicing Christian back when when we met, and surely for many of the years I did love Tupac and so-.
LaTanya :The ministry of.
Eugene:Tupac. That was my ministry, so my thought is that. So the advice that I give him now is completely laced in Christianity.
LaTanya :And.
Eugene:I thank God, even because my experience Holy Spirit shut my mouth many times when I think I'm about to give him some advice like mm-mm, don't say that. So what do you think when you think about dating now as a Christian, like how, how you know what are some pros and cons or implications of dating as a Christian nowadays?
LaTanya :Yeah, I think that's a good question and I feel like we sit in that space a lot in terms of like, what should we be telling our kids, or even people not even adults, because everybody is not a kid but what should we be telling people who are Christians about dating? I feel like we don't talk about that enough.
Eugene:We talk about marriage, but how do you get to the dating part?
LaTanya :Well, how do you get to the dating?
Eugene:part. Why do you get to?
LaTanya :marriage Right. And I was just again talking to another friend this week. I've been doing a lot of relationship conversation this week but I was talking to another friend and she was telling me about a friend of hers who over the holiday break they were with family and they were starting some relatives were starting to talk to their daughter about life, basically. And basically was saying you know, when you get ready to go to college? Now the little girl is only 11.
Eugene:So let's start there, let's start, but okay, that's a lot of pressure.
LaTanya :That's a lot of pressure. So the I was going on to say, you know, when you go to college, get your money, get your career, have you know, don't worry about dating anybody, don't worry about no relationship, just take care of yourself, do yourself. And so the parent my friend's friend was like no, stop saying that, don't say that, because if she finds a spouse or her person in college, that's great, that's what you should do, that's how you, you know, build a relationship, you know. But so so sometimes I think there's these mixed messaging in culture, the larger culture, african American culture that we want you to be. Your level of success is around these external things money, your job, your career. But then the next time you go to the family, function, if you over 30 and you ain't had, you don't have no husband, you don't have no wife, you don't have no kids. Now they're looking at you like, well, I ain't married what's wrong?
LaTanya :with you. Well, you didn't tell me how to do this. Well, you told me how to get my money. You told me how to go to school. You told me don't let nobody tell you what to do. You told me, you gave me all of these things, but you never told me how to love somebody 100%.
Eugene:You never told me how to love yourself, how to love yourself.
LaTanya :Your loving yourself was take care of yourself. Get your money, have your own stuff.
Eugene:You need nobody else. You need nobody else. That's a lie from the pit of hell.
LaTanya :And so I think back to how.
LaTanya :You? Back to your question around how do you date in a Christian way? I think it's changed the narrative, you know, changed the narrative around we are. God created us to be connected to people. He did not create us to be alone. And so if you start with just that, like he did not create us to be alone and so, god, I believe that if you have my person for me out there, you know, and so you start, you start there. Then you start with even knowing what's what's valuable for yourself, minus the external things.
LaTanya :We are in a sorry, I'm on a soapbox, obviously, I feel about this, but we are on a give me receive, give me these things, and so I think that's that taint who you, how you see a person like. If they're not giving me something or not doing for me, then it it doesn't that that equates to I don't want to date you, I don't want to see you, as opposed to no. How do you see this whole, that whole person, and who they are as a person, what they, their quirks, their uniqueness, their value system, their, you know, those are the things that we need to be talking about 100%, because you could be again back crazy, you know you might think that the world is purple and you worshiping the cows outside, you know, but now your faith is like I believe in God, but if you haven't had that conversation around what you value and who and getting to know who this person is, so and I think I think the opposite is also true.
Eugene:And so, yes, it's about give me and what I can receive, but I think a lot of people also miss who, and what could be best for them is because they think that I don't need anybody. And so I think, you know, when you think you don't need anybody and you think I can do this all by myself, you get through life. And then you later on realize that you know, god said very clearly it's not good for man to be alone. So then he made someone a suitable helper for Adam, so that they can come together to have to be on one accord, to work together as partners to fulfill, to do the purpose that God has given them. And so for me, when I think about dating, I think step one to dating like there's no example in the Bible of a picture perfect family. And so I think that what everybody has to do is that during that adolescent ages and as parents, our goal is to help our kids discover who they are and, as Christians, who they are in Christ. And so I believe that if every single person figured out and discovered who they are and who I am, what's my purpose? I then figure out what I like and what I don't like. So now, when I then go out into the world, I know what my purpose is and if my purpose aligns with someone else's purpose. Now we can come together as a couple and do this thing called life together, and then we can accomplish God's will.
Eugene:But so many times we have people that are living parallel lives. They're living next to each other and they never intersect, because I look over there on social media and see you doing well. But just because you're doing well for yourself does not mean we're going to do well together, and so I just think that. And then it takes time to figure that out. And so if I'm coming in it and coming into a relationship from a transactional perspective meaning I'm coming in it as what can you do for me or what can I do for you and it's only from that perspective, as opposed to how can I compliment and how can we compliment one another so that we can partner to do this thing called life. And I think it could, because a lot of times it's like the guy who wants the trophy wife. I just need you to come stand over here, I don't, I just need you to look good with me so that my ideal self and my ideal life would do well. So so again, I think that, as a, as a in this Christian world, first of all, we're in a post Christian society, meaning that the majority of the people don't go to church, don't believe in God. So when you know, when we're trying to find someone who who does have the same values that we have, it's very difficult.
Eugene:I mean, we talked to our son and he says that you know, he'll meet a nice young lady and if she doesn't want to sleep with him then she cuts him off. If, when he decides, when he says he doesn't want to sleep with her, then she cuts him off. That was unheard of when I was, when we were back, when we were dating. I mean it was unheard of, and so I was someone who never drank or smoke, but that's something that he's getting. People are cutting him off. Now, when he says he doesn't do that Not that he doesn't, he doesn't pass judgment on to them but they're then judging him because they feel, you know, that that he's not relevant, because that's a normal thing in society. And again, if that's what you're choosing to do, that's fine, but you don't have to judge me for it.
LaTanya :So, yeah, dating is hard. It's hard, that's what I mean. I think even just relationships with people are hard. But yeah, dating is hard and I it's hard when people ask my advice about dating because I'm like, yeah, so about that, been out that game for a little while and the game looked different. The game is is just different.
LaTanya :But I think you know, if we had to say like my, if I had to give some advice to you, know that person who has who's dating with a desire for marriage because I think that's where our advice really can come in I can't tell you if you just out here, like, no, I'm just, I'm just trying to date, I'm just trying to be out here and meet some people, do this. I don't, I can't. I don't know if I can give you good advice outside of BYS. You know, use good decision, make good decisions, let somebody know where you at. You know things like that. But if I Am talking to someone who has a desire to be who's dating with a desire to be Married, then I feel like the conversation is different. So my conversation with you is first, know that self.
Eugene:Know that self, love that love.
LaTanya :Love, l O V E that self you know you can't.
Eugene:You can't love that self if you don't know that, no and and somebody else can't Determine who.
LaTanya :You can't love you more than you love you. You know, like I, your, your, you can't now like oh, this is, this is the one you know, this is I always. That language is really tricky for me. The one you know, like there's no one, god is the one.
Eugene:Yes, you know.
LaTanya :God is the one, that's. That's, that's what I'm telling you. If you date somebody don't tell me about. That's the one you know. No, the Lord is the one. But do you have what? What makes that person, makes you want to be connected with that, with that because there's multiple people that could be.
Eugene:That could be the one.
LaTanya :Yeah and, and so I say know that self is what would be that one thing. The other thing is that you know, don't be defined by that other person.
LaTanya :So don't allow that other person to define who you are, because they didn't make you Absolutely and so only the person who made you can define who you are, and I think that's where we've we've done Well and I think it's been an evolution of that over the years. We've talked about this a number of times where my whole being was not on. What does Eugene want me to be? Because Eugene married Latanya, the individual, the individual. He didn't marry who you wanted him to, who you wanted me to be. I don't even know. I'm not even cut like that. You know, I don't even know if I'm, I'm not chick for you to be like do this, do that, do this. I'm, I am submissive. It did say that's where I'm still. Keep me in your prayers, I do listen, I listen.
LaTanya :Sometimes, whatever, but but I think that's you know. That's really important, because if you don't know that self, then that person, you will give up all control for that person to and you lose yourself and you will lose yourself you know, and there's go here.
Eugene:I'm sorry, and I think that's why I Got two things, that's why I think our relationship again has been so successful. Is that I you have not, you allow me to be me, I allow you to be you, and then our relationship has evolved as you have evolved and grown as an individual. I have evolved and grown as an individual, but we stay connected as we were growing. But but I think, even in the dating from a man's perspective, we're very Driven by what we see, and I think a lot of times men get caught up, and I know plenty of people who get caught up with with women based on what they were attracted to, and so actually I shouldn't say attracted, I could say what they thought was cute, because there is absolutely a difference between beauty and Attraction, and I think attraction is so much deeper than Than what you see, because you can become attracted to someone that you may not even believe is beautiful. Quote unquote. And so or handsome.
Eugene:And so what I would say, my advice would be, is it's always like, when people come to me and be like, oh, they the one I always ask why? Like, oh, I love them, why do you love them? And if you can't definitively, definitively Describe for me why you love somebody, then I sometimes I'm like, mmm, I start getting you know and I'm like, hey, well, you know, okay. So because, because most of the time it's infatuation, because you feel something well that's gonna fizzle out, and if it fizzles, fizzles out, then what can you stand the test of time? So so that's why I really press to say well, you know what makes them a good friend for you and what makes them a good fit for a good life partner for you. I changed the term from boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, because sometimes we get even infatuated with the idea of A wedding yeah and it's like, as we said before, you know what about this marriage?
Eugene:because this thing is a covenant commitment, something that just cannot be broken. So I think it's not at the faint of heart, but you know, although marriage is hard please hear me y'all although marriage is hard, it is worth it, it is and it is wonderful.
Eugene:It's not a miserable ball and chain that everybody is saying, but all everything that we're saying and the reason why we did this Podcast, the reason why we've talked about expectations in previous episodes, the reason why we're talking about you have the Responsibility of picking them right, that the responsibility of dating, because to me, dating, the primary reason for dating, is to get to know the person, to get to know are they actually the person that they? They are saying that they are, and I used to even tell People that I, that I that I spoke with, and even my daughter, is that listen, do not tell that person what you like. Don't tell them what you like. Watch them, observe them and see if they are compatible or that they match with what you, what you expect, because as soon as you start telling why I like this, I expect the person it is, then it's so funny how people can transform into those things and start doing it. So the purpose of the date is to watch, and you need to date long enough to see how do.
Eugene:How does he or she respond when they're mad? How does he or she respond when they're sad? How does he or she respond when I say no? How does he or she respond when they're disappointed? How does he or you need to know all of those things, because it's not just about what's on your list, it's also about how they react to the things in life. And you just have to know that, because if you don't know that and that's the purpose of dating and getting to know a person, because that's how you're gonna really come to the find out Are they with you or are they for you? And I've said it before, that was one of the things and the thing that made me say Latanya is the one, because she wasn't just with me. Yeah, she was for me.
Eugene:She wasn't selfish, and you know, some people in the past were selfish in my opinion, and so you know anyway, Mm-hmm, yeah, I agree.
LaTanya :So I think we have Talked a lot about dating, and so I hope.
LaTanya :You know, our hope is to always drop some nuggets. I feel like we've said a lot of things, so like if we had to recap just a few takeaway points about Dating and and I would say for us back to my point earlier of for the the person that's dating with the goal of of being a spouse or being married, and that and I'm saying a spouse even not just being married, cuz that anybody can be married, but when you are someone's spouse, their partner or being in a lifetime partnership that life covenant.
LaTanya :What are the things? So I named a couple like know thyself. What was the other thing that said?
Eugene:Love thyself, love thyself. Yes, that's the prerequisite.
LaTanya :Yes, love thyself is probably the prerequisite. But if you had to give a couple of other things, what would we give as those take away? Because I feel like we get asked that question a lot. For those that are Christian, wanting to be married, wanting to be a lifetime partner, let's rephrase that what else would you tell them?
Eugene:Yeah. So for me again, I think in the last episode actually it's not the episode that we didn't even put out yet but I think there's a progression in the relationship. So it's like when we first got together we were friends and we were go back, we were acquaintances because we were just class schoolmates at school together, started to hang out, started to talk and it was like, oh okay, she cool. And then it progressed into a friendship. But we had a list of the list that we had was in for that. I had was hey, will this person and can she be a good friend? And once we decided that, then we said, all right, well, we have some expectations for the boyfriend or girlfriend, and so we decided that we'll progress to that next level.
Eugene:But we had non-negotiables. There were things. There's things on your list that you absolutely should put on that if a person can't be a good friend, then they shouldn't progress to a boyfriend or girlfriend, or you shouldn't be doing things that would make them think that they're now in the boyfriend or the girlfriend phase. Then the same thing for boyfriend or girlfriend. They shouldn't be getting responsibilities and access to you that a husband and a wife would have because they're in that phase and so you have to make sure that you know.
Eugene:If you don't love thyself and know thyself, it's going to be very difficult for you to identify what you expect and what you're non-negotiables. The last thing I'll say that I just thought about was that some of us need to go through counseling, therapy, life coaching or something, because there's some past traumas, there's some things that our mothers and our fathers and our families and the things that we've experienced as children that we carry over into adulthood. That taints the expectations that we have in relationships. So we have to heal within ourselves first, because otherwise it's going to distort the view that we have for relationships and we will date wrong or we will date with unrealistic expectations.
Eugene:We will date with no expectations and that means that we'll just go for anything because we're just desperate to be with someone, hoping that they will fulfill the void that we have. And really that void is based in something else that really only God can feel, or that you need to feel through and identify through counseling or coaching. So that's what I would say is that when dating, the whole purpose of dating is to get to know the other person, to know what you like about them, not a like about them. Are they a friend? Can they be someone that will be there for me forever? But what could distort that lens is you're not loving and knowing yourself.
LaTanya :Yeah, that's good, that's good. I think we could go on for that I got some questions for you. You got questions today. I usually have a question.
Eugene:You do. But I have a question and it's just thinking about. You know, we've been together for a little while and I think that you know there are some things when you're in a relationship. Just the other thing is that there's no perfect person, there's no, and when you put a list up and you go down your list and they don't check all the boxes on your list, that means that you're searching for perfection. And so I know there are some things that I've done when we first started dating and even now, 20-some-odd years later, that drives you crazy. So what habit do I still have? That drives you crazy.
LaTanya :Turn off the lights. Oh my God, you don't turn off the light. You do not turn off the light. Where's the light?
Eugene:I turn off the light. You don't turn off the light, I don't know, I don't know Because I told the people that you hit, not now. Y'all see how it was rising up inside of her. That's when she hit me. She hit, you did hit me. You don't act like you did. And you punched me. You revved back because I didn't turn off the light.
LaTanya :Here's the thing. So it's time to go to bed, and so the light. You know you're not going back in that room.
Eugene:So here's what she do. Here's what she do now this was my question.
LaTanya :This is my question you asked this question.
Eugene:Go ahead, go ahead, ask your question.
LaTanya :So this is what I'm saying.
Eugene:Go ahead.
LaTanya :So I'm saying the lights, and so you don't turn off the light. Like you get all the way in the bed and you were in the other room and it's like you know you're not going back in there, so why didn't you turn it off when you left out the room? Where's the light? So you know what I do. So I've chosen to just say let's how you turn off the light. But then when I've turned it off, you would say, oh, I was going back in there.
Eugene:I do not say that you do. I say you could have just turned the light off.
LaTanya :So he's evolved to that, probably Because usually be like oh, I was probably going back in there. Probably you're in the bed under the covers, so you're not going back in there.
Eugene:You're walking past. I'm not even now.
LaTanya :So obviously, this is still the thing. 28 years later, this is still the thing, it's still the thing. So, anywho, wonderful. Okay, let me ask my one question. In this season of gratitude, what are you most grateful for? Rapid fire question.
Eugene:What am I most grateful?
LaTanya :for.
Eugene:In this season. I would say family. We had a phenomenal trip to Charleston for Thanksgiving and I just appreciate, even like the group texts, that I have with my family. I'm in your family and it just feels people are very we're being very communal right now and it's good relationships. So I just I'm really thankful for family.
LaTanya :That's good, good job.
Eugene:Absolutely Well, excuse me. Well, this is been episode four of the winning team podcast. Make sure y'all follow, like and share. Make sure y'all put some comments down below too.
LaTanya :And share.
Eugene:You know, get somebody who maybe this is one that you knew everything. Yes, download anywhere that you can watch podcasts or listen to podcasts. So Apple podcast, Spotify, Google podcast, all that but make sure you subscribe to our YouTube channel, W3, the winning team, and we love y'all and we'll see y'all next month. Peace.
