WE3 The Winning Team
Helping Couples Work Together To WIN At This Game Called Life!
WE3 The Winning Team
Drafting the Winning Team: Navigating Relationship Expectations and Preparations for Marriage
Remember when you picked teams for a game in school? The pressure of choosing the perfect combination can be overwhelming. Now, imagine marriage as the NFL Draft, where your choices need to be spot on!
On this episode of The Winning Team Podcast, WE discuss the process of selecting the right 'player' for a successful 'team', highlighting the different perspectives men and women might have on this process.
WE also share a funny story from a holiday gathering when everyone mistakenly thought Eugene was about to propose. Playing on that suspense, WE then shift gears to a serious conversation about setting and understanding expectations in a relationship - because let’s face it, unwrapping gifts might be easier than unwrapping expectations!
From managing finances to parenting, WE share personal anecdotes and highlight the key role of effective communication in aligning expectations and avoiding potential pitfalls.
Ever wondered about the tricky balance of combining incomes while allowing personal spending? WE’ve got some insights!
Lastly, WE uncover the importance of preparation and open conversation in maintaining harmony in relationships and marriage. Issues like work-life balance, trust, managing social media, and handling conflict can create cracks if not dealt with wisely.
So, join us as WE navigate the field of relationships, giving you the playbook to draft the perfect team.
Let's huddle up and get started!
Host
Eugene Gatewood
- Website - https://eugenegatewood.com
- YouTube: @Original_Mentor
- Facebook: @Eugene.Gatewood
- Instagram: @Original_Mentor
-TikTok: @elgatewood
LaTanya Gatewood
- Facebook: @LaTanya.Gatewood
- Instagram: @reddingl
Podcast Music by Micah Gatewood
Welcome to the Winning Team podcast.
Eugene :Episode three. We're super excited about another journey, another opportunity just to spend some time with y'all. I am Eugene.
LaTanya:I'm Latanya.
Eugene :And we are the Winning Team! We had a great conversation last month. I agree, Great conversation last month. So much of a good conversation that we didn't even have a chance to finish it all. But what I love about this one is that we're talking about expectations, but expectations is really about how you pick them. How you pick them and you know we was talking about how and based on how you pick them is really based on the expectations that you have, and we liken that to the draft of NFL team, NBA team, whatever it is is like you're like the general manager of your team and just like a general manager of a sports team, they think about what do we need and who do we need on our team so that we can win, and then what they do is they go out and they scout and they figure out what attributes do these individuals have as, comparing it to the attributes that you already have, so that y'all can come together and win. But everybody's not a good general manager. That's funny.
Eugene :Everybody's not a good general manager. So we want to just have a conversation today really about how can you pick somebody, because every general manager of every sports team, whether it's NBA, NFL or Major League Baseball, they're all thinking about how can I make sure I pick the next most valuable player. I'm excited I picked the most valuable player for our team.
LaTanya:You did, man, I got the most valuable player too, but how did you like? I think that's a good setup to even the remaining of our conversation for the day. But I think a big question that we get on a regular basis is like how did you know? And I think in like episode one we talked about, you said you knew that I was the one win. But I think, like one step further is, how did you know that you were ready to be married now, because that's something different than like the one in a relationship, but how'd you know?
Eugene :It's like I'm ready to do this. Yeah, there is a difference between. I think now I'm processing a difference between being ready to be married and we're ready to get married, or I should say ready to be married, or let me take out the word ready. So there is a difference between I want to get married and ready to be married, and so I don't know if I, if you, ever are like ready, like when you get into a relationship, but for me, I think it was really about processing the expectations, and so we had a conversation and I think the marital vows are a good place, foundational place, to start having the conversation about. Are you ready?
Eugene :And I think, for us, you know when you think about better or worse, when you think about you know richer or poor, and sickness and in health, and then for us, I think a good example is that you know we were challenged, even when we were engaged right around the time when we were about to be married, in the sickness and health part. And so you had an episode and you know I'm like, oh man, what's going on?
Eugene :And that was the first episode that we ever had where you know you had I don't want to say it on the podcast but where you had a collapsed lung and so you know she's had like eight collapsed lungs and since we've been together, but the first one happened as we were engaged and so I just remember coming to the hospital like what the crap? I don't even remember where I was when you called or when I got the call, but I came to the hospital, I didn't answer the phone, I didn't answer the phone.
LaTanya:No, you didn't. You or my mama didn't answer the phone. Oh, you went to the doctor. I went to the doctor, oh, and the doctor told me that's a whole nother story, but either way.
Eugene :My point, though, is that, you know, I knew I had to be there, and so I didn't even think twice. I went and I showed up and I didn't leave, and I remember, even for me it was just an expectation for me to be there. For you, I had to go and go to work and come back, but I came back, but even even spending the night there I don't know if it was a Friday night or something like that. Whatever the case, I know I didn't leave, I stayed there all night, and so so my point is is that how do you know when you're ready? Is that you have to think about not just the good and the bliss that you're in, but you have to think about that, no matter what goes on with this person, good or bad, I'm ready to be there with him on this journey called life and marriage. What about?
LaTanya:you. Yeah, that's good, you know, I think and here's where I think probably men and women differ a little bit, because I feel like marriage is something that women talk about on a pretty regular basis. I don't know if men do that- no, that's probably not. No, it's probably not top of mind conversation for you, but for some people for some people exactly so.
LaTanya:so I think you know you. You talk about marriage and what that looks like, especially once you've been dating someone for a long time. I feel like the next question becomes so when are y'all getting married? So when are y'all getting married? Because we must have heard that 15,000 times 15 million. Because at that point we have been dating for six years or so, and so it had probably hit a point and again, I think we touched on this before of like, all right, what are we about to do, you know, let's.
Eugene :I remember a quick story I want to cut you off. I remember that one Christmas where every time I would get on the floor to like to do a wrap in a gift, everybody was like. Everybody thought every second that I was about to propose and I'm like no, I'm not proposing why y'all keep doing that, sorry.
LaTanya:And I don't even know if that was, like all the way, my expectation, though. Like I felt like I needed to be ready to be not just Mary but your wife, and I don't know if at 22, I was ready for that, like when others wanted it for us, I was not ready for that, like I did not want to be a wife at 22 or 23, you know it was 26, I think. Finally, when we but I and I feel like we had some conversation around that generally, you know I didn't like no, I want to be married. But I did say I'm not sure I'm ready to be a wife. You know, and I think for, and at least what I thought a wife would be, cause I'm not sure I ever asked you what you expected a wife to be.
Eugene :No, you assumed.
LaTanya:I assumed, and so in my 22 year old mind, what I expected of a wife, which was you no longer are yourself. Your whole world is your spouse, and probably against some of that losing of self, that was like Scary, scary, like. That was petrifying. And so it was not an expectation of mine that we get married right out of college, although we have been dating that long. But that was other people's expectation.
Eugene :Agreed and I think and I appreciated the fact that we took our time because you know we may touch on it in another bonus episode. But that led to our macaroni grill conversation and that was a macaroni grill. We hate macaroni grill, not as a restaurant, we just we went. It was a bad conversation. Did we ever eat? I don't even think we ate that.
LaTanya:If we did it was crazy, it was fine.
Eugene :But okay. So, thinking about expectations, and I think something else you just made me think about is that 22, I don't think you know what the for the worst is when you think of better or worse, for richer or poor. What is the worst, and are you prepared for that? You don't know, and so I don't cause you've haven't had enough life experience to really process that. And so when I think about expectations, I was thinking about, like what are some of the reasons that cause marriages or people to not be successful in a marriage excuse me, to not be successful in a marriage, and it comes to we talked about in the last episode is just really being on one accord, having common goals and so having that initial conversation.
Eugene :But we know that finances, intimacy and even how you parent parents, and then conflict resolution and communication. But let's just start with the communication. I mean not with communications, but let's start today just kind of digging in a little bit to finances, because finances and how we do our finances again is how we do it. But it's been a journey and you remember that because we were thinking about expectations, that we ran each other's credit report in the beginning before we got it. Well, I don't know if it was when we got engaged, but we ran each other's credit report and gave it because it was like if we getting together and two are becoming one, then I'm gonna need you to see and I'm also make sure you understand. I'm not hiding anything, but I need to understand what I'm marrying into. And then I was slightly balling back then, so I paid off all your debts before we got married. Come on, jesus.
LaTanya:Can't pay my bills.
Eugene :But again, I wanted to come into this thing from ground zero, and so I thought that that was important that we said to write expectations.
LaTanya:But so I have a question for you in terms of like, how do you do that, do what? How do you set good expectations? Because I think you and I think we'll go to we can go to a couple of different places, because I love what you mentioned around naming those like some of those expectations of finances and how are you gonna raise children, and religion and intimacy. I think all of those are like great expectations to start to have conversations around. But do you think for us that there was a key thing that we did to start to set expectations? Let's just use the finance one, for example around finances, how do we set the expectations around finances?
Eugene :Yeah, I think we really start talking about upbringing and we start talking about are you a spender or are you a saver? And actually it wasn't even about are you? I think we, through lived experiences, through us talking about goals and aspirations and what we wanted to do, we naturally started to talk about and I picked up on oh okay, she saves, she manages a little bit more and I'm like, well, I was taught you get money to spend money, to get more money. I wasn't taught to save. So it's like you know, so that was one thing. So I was like, all right, well, I gotta do a little bit better.
Eugene :But I mean, I was already investing, but I didn't see investing as saving back then, but either way, and so I think that it's how do we set, how do you figure out those expectations? Is that we start actually talking about scenarios and what ifs? And so it was like, hey, what if this happened? Then how would you respond? And what if this happened and how would you respond? And I think that some of those scenarios and having that conversation and the honest conversation, not just here's what I hypothetically would do, but it's like no, this is really what I'm thinking about. How about you?
LaTanya:Yeah, I think, yeah, I completely agree with you about that. Just kind of now, playing the conversations back through my mind, that was a long time ago, that was like that was a long time ago.
Eugene :That was a long time ago. That was almost. Don't ever mind, just keep on talking about it.
LaTanya:That was a long time ago. But I think and if we're staying like with the finance piece of it, I think coming into marriage I had an expectation that well, you got money, I got money, that mean I'm gonna have more money because you got more money. And I think that just set the ground for probably some false expectations. Because, again back to my conversation, I think around just what women talk about or what we're even taught as we're coming into marriage, that you're the husband, so you're supposed to have all the money and your money is my money. And we got a whole lot more money because we got your money. And I think that probably for me in the beginning, you know, I probably operated like that, which is interesting because we probably didn't. We didn't have, we didn't really have no money. I didn't have a lot of money because at the time I was in my master's program.
LaTanya:When we got married, I was in my master's program and I was doing an internship, so I had to only work half the time. So I had a full-time job but I had to go down to part-time at my full-time job because I needed to do my internship. So I was working in daycare and daycare, you don't make a whole lot of money anyway. So I was making a whole lot of money, not own a whole lot of money. You know I wasn't making a whole lot of money. So I think I know initially, probably coming in I was like, oh, we got some money now because we're now combining both of our incomes.
Eugene :But we combined both of our bills too Right.
LaTanya:And so that's what I was just about to say. But then we came in with all bills, you know, and so, yes, mine were paid off and I had more debt than anything, because I was still at home and I had a car note, but still we came in with bills, you know, and then we created new bills together.
LaTanya:We used to get in the furniture Right furniture and all of these things, and so I think I had to. It took some time because we weren't afraid to talk about money. I think it took some time. I had to do some mental shifting and I'm not gonna say like it's always been easy either, you know, because I am the first to admit that I don't like money conversations. We used to do money Monday and it was like the death of me so many times and my amazing and wonderful husband loves a good spreadsheet.
Eugene :But before you even get there though before you get there, because I think we're gonna go there Let me just say one thing about the beginning, where it started, because one of my expectations was that, because I was making more money and I wanted us to combine our incomes, I didn't want us to do to me and, for you know, I didn't want us to the expectation was that we would combine our incomes. Well, because I made more, I didn't want you to ever think that like there was some type of power difference between the two of us. So that's why I say you know what you manage the bills, because, whatever, I'm just gonna bring all the money home, you do the budget and then you let me know how that works out and then we'll pay it and then we'll go. But we quickly found out after some months that not that she wasn't good at it, but that she just didn't wanna do it Like he fired me.
LaTanya:No, he fired me.
Eugene :Well it wasn't firing it was just that you know I was asking certain questions and when I didn't have it, because here's the thing like she did live at home, but I didn't. I had lived it out on my own. So I had already been managing the household for some years, but it was important that you learned how to do that. So I said, hey, you know what you manage, you manage the household, you manage the budget, and so because of that, we also learned very quickly like you know what. Maybe this is not her sweet spot. There's so many other things that she's good at. So just let me maybe start managing the budget and then she will go in and manage something else.
LaTanya:He fired me Like. My budget system is what he did not like.
Eugene :I just felt like it needed to be a little more thorough, and so, of course, you know, maybe I went overboard, because my spreadsheet does have like 15 tabs, and so, but here, even in that, the budget, combining our budget and for us having the conversations about how we're gonna spend the money, it caused us to have to increase our conversation and our communication because we had to be on one accord. And so, even though you know, sometimes I was a spender, and then there are seasons where you know you were a spender, you know, and we'll talk about you know, the holes that we went in. So, but when conflict arose, we were actually able to have a conversation based on the goals that we had set. So when we decided, look, it's time to buy a house, we locked in and we saved the money that we needed to save in order to get that down payment. When we said, up, it's time to pay off all the credit card debt, we locked in, we paid it all off.
Eugene :But I believe that us combining our incomes together caused us to be able to work more as a team. So how do you feel about us combining our income? Cause that's not even a conversation that we had in the beginning, either we, just it was automatic. So how did you come to that expectation?
LaTanya:Um, yeah, I don't. I don't feel like I. It was a compromise on my end. I felt like, okay, we're married, we're in this thing together. Again, this is the pot, so we're gonna put that in there, and so this is my contribution to our house. Is, I think, how I felt about it.
LaTanya:I didn't, because I know that's a it can be a contentious space for people about my bio-jo-bios and these don't, these aren't combined, and so I'm just grateful that that hasn't been. That was never the case, and but I also think that was some of that is because we had a conversation about that prior to, and we had a conversation about that in marriage counseling, about money and finances and how do you do that, and about bank accounts, and you know we could go deeper into that, but I so I think we came in with the expectation of this is gonna go into this one pot, yeah. And then as we over the years and evolved, you know it became a one pot don't work, yeah, because then what I found was that, well, my expectation was well, listen, here, I can use it. I can use it. Your expectation was no wait, and so you know. So I think it has some of this back and forth and again that that contention cause money, like if we real talking, money will be that place of contention.
LaTanya:And so we had to figure out a way not to let that be. Because, you know, cause, probably at some point definitely not now. You know, there was probably some points where I was like, well, I mean, it's in here, so why can't I use it? You know, or I'm seeing you use it in this way, but why can't I use it in that same way? Well, no, we got, we got stuff to do. But I also and then I think this is where we've cause again, we've morphed- we have grown, we have grown.
LaTanya:It's so many ways, cause initially that was, and then it became all right, well, let's have an allowance. And I think I felt the way of. And then she like, don't give me allowance, I'm a grown person. But I also think that was good though, because it was like no, this is my, this is my money to do with what I want to do with it. And then you had your allowance from there too as well, and I mean, I think even with that we've evolved into what that has looked like. But again, it all revolves around and I know you know we keep saying expectations, expectations, expectations. But it really was around the start to our what's our expectation about money, and the first thing was we not falling out about money.
Eugene :Absolutely.
LaTanya:And I think.
Eugene :But what changed it? I remember what changed it is it was the overdraft fees. And so because if we both saw, let's say, for example, $500 in the account, it's like, oh okay, I got $500 to spend. And if I had C, I got. If there's $500 in the account, I say, oh yeah, I got $500 to spend. But if there wasn't a conversation about that, if we both spent $500, then guess what's in there after that? It's negative 500.
Eugene :And so what happened is that it caused us to have to say, all right, let's sit down and have a conversation about how we're gonna do this, we saying that it's gonna be one pot, but one pot's not working. So then we went from one pot until we went to a bill account, and then we moved from a bill account to also having a separate savings account, and then we went from a bill account to a savings account to then having a one spend account. But then we start having even some more issues with the spending, cause if you see what's in the spend account and you want to spend it, I want to spend it then that still wasn't working. So then, actually, before we separated the spend account, what we did is we came to an agreement excuse me, we came to an agreement that $50 was the max that you could spend without having a conversation with the other person, because I mean, it's like for most big purchases as a couple, you should be having a conversation anyway. And so once we did the $50 thing, I think that that worked for a minute.
Eugene :But then it was like all right, she grown, I'm grown, we should be able to spend a little bit more than 50 bucks. So then we expanded it and gave you your own account. You don't have to ask me no questions, the money is gonna automatically go into your account. You spend how you want to spend, but conflict is not bad. But you just have to have some conversations to work through that conflict. But that conflict only gets resolved when you come together and set expectations as opposed to assuming it or having unspoken expectations, and then you have conflict that can't be resolved because y'all not on a court.
LaTanya:I agree with that. And again, it starts in the beginning and you don't want to, I don't think any date you're made with what about this? So, what about this, so, what about this?
LaTanya:But to some degree, you need to have to and especially, depending on what it is, and because you don't want to get into this and it's not even like the list, I think it's endless in terms of all the things that you could expect and sometimes you don't know, you won't know until you get in it, and then are you willing to have a conversation about it. So back to that communication, which is what you were alluding to even earlier, to say, well, hold on, wait a minute. I thought this coming into this, I'm noticing something different. What's the resolve? Can we get to a resolve? And yeah, can we. How do we get? Not can? How do we get to?
Eugene :resolve. I think that's important because when conflicts arise, when because it's gonna happen, I think even coming to an agreement about how you're going to resolve the conflicts. I laugh when I think about it because across the board, in many instances when we would have passionate conversations about whatever it was and I remember the first time we were driving up telegraph and you were like you said something to me, you were like I don't know what I said to you that made you mad. But then you were like don't talk to me for five minutes. And I was like no, or you said something like you're not talking to me for five minutes, and I was like what? And so I kind of chuckled on the inside. But after I chuckled about it, I mean it worked. And so for five minutes I didn't say anything to you. Might have been 10 minutes, I didn't say anything to you, but I knew in 10 minutes I'm gonna talk to her again and we're gonna work through this thing.
Eugene :But I think that you know understanding one another and what's needed in order to work through that conflict, even when it's a big issue around money. The one last thing I'll say that I think you said it earlier, but I think it's so important to make that decision is that we gotta understand that you know we're Christians, so you don't wrestle against flesh and blood, and so the enemy will always look for a way, in a way, to divide and conquer. And so for us, we would always say like, look, we're not gonna fall out about money. There is a resolution. Even when you combined your finances and I know, you know I don't know why some people don't and please, by all means, if it's some couples listening who don't combine their finances and think it works better for them, you know, put it in the comments. We would love to have a conversation or just understand how it works for you, whether you combine or don't combine.
Eugene :But for me, I think that all of these hard conversations that we've had has drawn us closer and caused us to have the expectations, or have the conversations about expectations, because you grew up in a household, I grew up in a household and, based on how we grew up, we developed norms and habits and we then have an expectation that when our two lives are becoming one, that I'm gonna be able to continue to do this. For example, some people might be thinking I work hard every single day and I make a paycheck, so I should be able to spend whatever I want. I did that before I got married and so now when I get married, now I'm able to spend less, when I got additional income, and it's like they don't feel. But I actually just thought about something you can't have it both ways, because you got additional income but you also got additional bills, so you gotta take that into account. So that's good.
LaTanya:Yeah, I definitely agree with that and I think it's been great to watch how it's evolved over the years and I think, as we have evolved and again we're just talking about I'm using the example of money for this go around. But we can pick up that same conversation around expectations around again, as I mentioned earlier, raising our son we can do that around even like simple things as household chores, because that is probably another one where there's some expectations around cooking, and that's the demo. Oh no, not even like that, like what we gonna eat. Let's even go to even something as simple as that, or who will be the one that's gonna do the primary cooking in the family, like that's a as much as it sounds like, but it's a big decision because, if not, you walk around mad at somebody. You're mad because, well, I cooked yesterday, you didn't cook today. Or again, I think, even just around just running your household.
Eugene :Yeah, roles like traditional roles. Especially in nowadays, roles are different. So sometimes, like I have no expectation that you're gonna come outside and cut the grass, I'm not gonna do that, but there is still an expectation that I may. If I don't cook, I figure out what we're gonna eat for it for the day, and so I think that again why don't I have an expectation that you're gonna come outside and cut the grass? Like, but it's not as if Because I said I ain't coming.
Eugene :That's why and I think that's it- I think, being honest about what you will or will not do upfront, Like she told me when we first got together like bro, I don't cook. And so it was like that wasn't something that I expected, because she set that expectation up front. Now I can kind of say I did bamboozle her because I did cook when we were together but I stopped cooking once we got married. This dude, I stopped cooking. Now I still made sure she ate, I would take her wherever she wanted to go, but I just cooking just wasn't a part of my makeup.
LaTanya:And it's not all the way in my expectation of you cooking, cause you don't do that.
Eugene :So I'm okay with that. But I would say too, my point is is that you're gonna say something.
LaTanya:Yeah, I was going to say oh, oh, you talked about roles and expectations, and so do you think, when we are preparing to get married, do we have expectations for the marriage or do we have expectations of the role of husband and wife?
Eugene :I think it's important that you have both. I think it's because, how I see it is, marriage is the culture in which the husband and wife operate in, and if we think about this from a team and from a business perspective, and so we have a vision for where our marriage will go, but if the culture is not conducive for the vision that's being set, then the marriage won't work. And so if the husband has a vision for it, the wife has a vision for it, they come together, but they don't come together to create the right environment to produce the thing that they desire, then it won't be successful. So I think that you have to do both. You have to think about what is my expectations of her as a wife, what's my expectation for myself as a husband, and then vice versa. But then how will we coexist?
Eugene :And that's the reason why I keep saying that love is not enough. That's why I keep saying that if love is not enough, but if you're not focused on the marriage and what's necessary for the marriage to be successful, which is to me, how do you successfully coexist? And that comes down to do. I like you. So love is an expectation, but it can't be the only expectation, because, in order for a marriage to last as long as ours has lasted, is that we have figured out how to coexist and live together for over 20-something years, and that's what's made it worthwhile and not just to do it, but to be happy as you do it, because there's a lot of people 50% of marriages in a divorce. But of those who are still married, how many of them are happily married? And some people are living in misery, and you don't have to if you're willing to have these conversations.
LaTanya:And I think even by definition as I was kind of preparing for this like marriage. Some of the definitions put out words like union and united and recognized contractual relationship, but some of the key words in there were union and relationship for me, and so if you are willing to be united and build a strong relationship, then you build a strong marriage, and we often talk about that. There's you as individuals come to this and I think we've talked about it in the past episodes that each person does come to this union and this relationship as individuals. But now to your point is now how do we build upon that? How do us as these individuals unite to now build out the marriage?
LaTanya:Because I think sometimes we, whenever you're here oh, you're getting married you focus on so many of the tangible things like, oh, when is the wedding date, when is the wedding, what's your colors, how many people gonna be in it, and so those two equate to. For some, that equates to, oh, marriage, your wedding equates to marriage, and it's such two different things. And so I know, when we talk to people who are getting married, we are excited and celebrate their wedding, but we talk about your wedding is for one day, but that marriage is for a lifetime and so don't get lost in the day things and not steal work to build those lifetime, that lifetime union Cause, if not, once that's over and you ain't pretty and cute no more and the pumpkin is gone and you back to looking like Cinderella, now it's gonna be. Are you ready to jump in and do the work that it now takes to be in this marriage with this?
Eugene :person. That's good. And when you think about any other, first of all I always ask the question to those who encounter it that I know is planning or getting married soon. I always say how is the marriage planning coming, instead of the wedding planning, and a few people Will start telling me about all of the wedding planning and then I'll say my question again how is the marriage planning going?
Eugene :And when you think about a team and any other environment, you have Orientations. When you're preparing for the job, you have job descriptions and you go in, you have, you have training, preseason training. You're you're not only making sure that your body is getting ready, but that your mind and your emotions are getting ready so that you can contribute to that team. But how much pre-work do you do as a husband and a wife to prepare your heart, your mind, your spirit to be the best possible mate and companion and partner that you need to be For the, for the other individual? And it's crazy nowadays it's like expectations. There's different areas of expectations and conversations that you have to have that we didn't have to have like we didn't. We talked about social media. We didn't have to talk about that. You know, of course, we talked about intimacy. That was important and we'll get into that a whole another episode.
Eugene :But it's like you know, work, life balance, you know, because everybody wants to be a boss. But but how will being a boss and prioritizing your job, how will that impact, impact your, your marriage? I mean even the extended family, people off to say, well, you're not marrying a family, you're marrying the individual. Yeah, you're, but you're marrying into a family and it absolutely Will impact you. And even even to the point where we say we're Christians and, you know, say, don't be unequally yoked. But let me please hear me, please hear me.
Eugene :Just because you're marrying a Christian doesn't mean that your marriage is gonna work. What being unequally yoked, being unequally connected to a person, is the foundation, because that means that you all have a phenomenal foundation and starting point for for which you can set Expectations. But just because you're marrying a Christian doesn't mean that you're gonna have compatibility in order to last long as a Husband and a wife. Now, you know, of course that means that you know, as I submit unto the Lord, then you can submit unto me, the mayor, to vows that we have for Richard bullpaw, or better or worse, sickness and health, what about obey you supposed to obey me. Oh, oh baby.
LaTanya:I'm still a working.
Eugene :But you know, but again, obey me as I submit to God. That's when you're supposed to submit, and to me as to Lord. But I think that all of those other areas also matter. And and now that, no, we didn't have to have those expectations in the marriage early on, but now, even when you think about something, as you know, social media Do you care or Monitor my social media? And if you do, why? Why not?
LaTanya:And I've always, I've never been a chick that Check your phone or Any of that, because I am a farm believer on what is being done in the dark will come to the light, and so you have not given me any reason to mistrust you and so I don't feel like I have to now get on and monitor these things, because I trust you and you've you've given me no reason for that and yeah, and so no, I don't.
LaTanya:I look at like, yep, I'll post you, be mad when I don't like or or share your stuff, why you ain't sharing my stuff like I liked it but I don't. I don't. I feel like I don't have the energy to like, dig deep and look and find and be like well, who is this dad posted on your stuff, why she say this and why she say that, and If I have to do that, then now it's. It becomes a question for me of Then why am I here? If I don't trust you, then then what are we doing here? Because that's gonna continue to be an issue in in our marriage and I'm secure in our marriage that you down for me, I'm, I'm down with you, so I have no reason to Want to monitor those things because I'm not insecure in that in that way, I'm secure that we good, you know, but that's.
Eugene :But to me it has become. I've had in Marital coaching and counseling, you know, recent, recent years, social media is an issue, so I would say, have a conversation about it, you know. So you know what are the expectations around liking, posting, sharing. I've seen some couples have one page and together. But you know, for me I still want us to have, you know, individuality and you to be able to do that. But again, it's, it's still worth having the conversation. So, yeah, expectations is something that I think that there's so many areas of expectations and really it comes around to having a conversation and as opposed to assuming, because even when you get down to it, if you don't, if you, if you don't set proper Expectations, then it's hard to hold somebody accountable for something that that you never, ever had a conversation about.
LaTanya:I agree.
Eugene :Yeah, cool, good conversation. So so, yeah, I think that you know we touched on a lot of areas, and so what I want to do is now you know the last three episodes. I think that we've touched broadly on a couple episodes, I'm in a couple topics, but now it's time for us to go a little bit deeper, even even you know, in the areas of, you know, conflict and how we handle conflict. I think that's important, because conflict how you handle conflict is not bad in and of itself, but how you handle it, because we've had conflict over the years, but we've been able to figure out and work through it, and, and some of that conflict arose around and around intimacy we talked about some of it around money, so we'll go go there too. But I think, even from a family, work-life balance, I think all of those things have been some concerns over the years, and so I want to continue to have that conversation.
LaTanya:Yeah, I agree, we can go deep. I'm scared.
Eugene :We're gonna do, we're praying first.
LaTanya:So you know I can't end an episode without a little rapid-fire question. So only have one today. I only have one, but you still have to answer it Quickly, okay.
Eugene :I'll try.
LaTanya:All right, no overthinking it, I'll just, you know, answer it All right. So here, what's one word of advice Would you give those considering marriage or proposal.
Eugene :One word of advice that I would give for marriage For those who are considering.
Eugene :Those are considering marriage or proposal, I would say in order to set I'm going to keep it in the context of expectations. So, in order to set proper expectations, you have to know yourself and why you are getting in. First of all, why do you love that person? You got to really be able to process that. Why do you love that person? Why do you want to be in a relationship, a lifelong relationship or commitment, with that person? And to be able to articulate that? Because a lot of times you can ask the question Because I don't think it's even about the other person you have to be 100% sure about who you are and what you expect from yourself, and then you'll be able to easily match that up with what the other person expect.
Eugene :The second thing that leads to when you're doing that, it leads to them being friends, and so, for me, is that person your friend and are you getting into a relationship with them? For the right reason? Because if you're not friends or you feel like that you're afraid of, if there's anything that's causing you to question that, I don't feel comfortable with saying this to this person, or if this happened, I'm not sure how they would respond. I'm deploring you to please, please, have that conversation, because I appreciated all of the what ifs and even if you have to think about when you go through the typical marital vows for better words, rich rapport, sickness and health, if you have to think about like man, what if we didn't have anything, when I still want to live with this person?
Eugene :What if this situation got? Is there something are you already considering? Well, but if this happened, then I'm out, I'm getting divorced. I would say that you may not be ready to get to be married, or that might not be the right person. If there's a consideration, because once you get into it, it's not a contract, it's literally a covenant, and it wasn't until recently that we actually verbalized that to each other. That you know like, look, dude, we in this now. So, but I, that's. What I would say is that I typically would talk to them about are y'all friends and how do you know that you're friends? And then for them, as a husband or a wife, I talk to them as the individual to make sure that they understand who they are, because if you don't know who you are, it's going to be hard to set that expectations in that relationship with the other person.
LaTanya:Okay, good answer. That wasn't quite rapid fire, but it was a great answer. So consider those things. For those of you who want to come into this hood, this marriage hood, that's a good hood. Love this hood it is so we're excited.
Eugene :I mean, I did. I typically have a question too, but I don't have the questions with me right now, but I typically have a question.
Eugene :I gave them to you. You was looking at them and you ain't. You ain't bringing them over here, but I would say I want you all to let us, let us know what. What topics would y'all like us to dig in deeper? We talked about a lot of topics. Are there any specific topics that you would like to talk about that you would like us to talk about? How we have, you know, journey through this over the last several years. But we're just excited to have the opportunity to share and we may even add some bonus episodes because, you know, between now and next month. But but again, thank y'all so much for the time.
LaTanya:Share, yes, share on socials. Share with your friends. Tell them all about comment below. Comment below. Comment below.
Eugene :All of that, we need all that, we're excited. So if you, if you benefit from it or you know somebody who will please like and share, but until you don't press up.
LaTanya:Sure I can do that. God, we thank you for this opportunity to share across these airwaves. God, by the way, pray that what has been said, seen and heard, god, will be just nourishment for that they're mind, bodies and soul, and we thank you for all those that are listening, who are married and those who are preparing to be married. God, by the way, thank you for how you're going to orchestrate each and every one of their steps in your journey through this hood that you call marriage. God, we love you, the covenant of marriage. We love you. We thank you. We put your blessings over each and every person that listens to this. We love you. Thank you In Jesus name. We do pray, amen, thank God.
Eugene :Thank y'all so much for joining another episode of the winning team. We love y'all.
LaTanya:Peace.
Eugene :Peace.
